What the fuck are you doing? Stop being such a tease. Show the fuck up and stick around. It’s not that hard. Don’t, as Bic Runga would sing, come and go like you do. Quit, as the Backstreet Boys would sing, playing games with my heart.
MY HEART IS FUCKING TIRED, ok?! My skin is also tired PROBABLY FROM A VITAMIN D DEFICIENCY. Not naming names. Ahem!
Show the fuck up and be a real season. Exist with a purpose. It’s officially time for you to get your shit together. We all love you, we all want you to be here and we’re all ready to make the most of our time together. One more week of this shit and we’re bound to never trust you again. If you want us to put our boots away and commit to you, you need to – as The Boss sang (ironically, on an album titled Nebraska) – give us a reason to believe. Give me a fucking reason to roll my windows down, play some terrible pop music too loud and put away my bulky ass sweaters I’m sick of wearing.
A winter storm watch is effect now but YOU can change all of that. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL OF US, this song is for you. Except, ignore the end of the song because you don’t need Mother Nature, you need us.
STAY HERE, SPRING. I’m down on my fucking knees, I NEED that vitamin D for my mental stability – WHICH SHOULD BE PRETTY EVIDENT BY THIS POST.
Two of my best friends are coming to visit us this weekend and I’m so excited. The last time the three of us were together was last fall. Their visit just so happened to coincide with Seth’s 15-year high school reunion, so we spent our weekend together in a small town in western Iowa where […]
So far today I have done the following: Woken up with hives Taken a cold shower (thanks to said hives) Left my keys in my house Realized I was locked out when I went to get said keys Broken in to the house with my library card (thanks to resourceful, and yet terrifying, instructions from […]
I’ve let a few days pass since hundreds of thousands of kids across the country marched for their lives. I’ve let it all sink in. I’ve seen all of the footage, I’ve read a lot of the articles – from both sides, I’ve watched the interviews, I’ve tried to understand the other side of the […]
Y’all. It’s a sad day in our house. Our very first family pet, Puppy, had to be put down last night. Or, more accurately, flushed down the toilet last night. Some of you might remember last year at almost this exact time (MIND BLOWING) I was uneasily unemployed and filling my days with home improvements, […]
I would be rich if I had a dollar for every time I’ve uttered a phrase that started with, “Well, ever since I had kids…” In fact, just this morning I said it. It was 7:10 am and I was sitting in the quaint Quick Care office located within my local Hy-Vee and the doctor […]
Do you all listen to podcasts? I’ve recently gotten really into them. I mean, of course, like the rest of the world, I listened to Serial and S-Town but other than that I’ve stayed out of the podcast game. Everyone seems to have a podcast so finding ones I like seemed daunting but I’ve been […]
“I love you. And I love daddy – more.” Um, thanks? “Hey, Mom! Did you know who calls me a dumbass?! Hazel. She said, “Matty, dumbass!” At least now I know Marty’s not the only three-year old in his class droppin’ it like it’s hot. “Last night Matty must have been dreaming about movies, he […]
Is it just me or is parenthood basically a bunch of adults doing and thinking about a bunch of shit they never, in a million years, imagined they would ever do? Don’t lie. I know it’s not just me. I mean, have you ever had one of those moments where you find yourself doing something […]
With each day that passes, I learn more about long-term monogamy. These are the types of lessons you can only learn through real-life experiences. Things like knock-down/drag-out fights, nights sleeping on the couch or in an otherwise empty bed, spending some evenings so exhausted you can hardly bare to listen to another story that will […]