I NEED HELP, GUYS. (I think….)

Someone took my kids in the middle of the night and replaced them with angelic figures identical to my kids – same voices, same cowlicks (which, by the way, what a weird fucking word), same smells and morning breath –  but they’re different because they’re ANGELS.

Early this morning, before the sun had come up, I heard a stampede of small footsteps (maybe it was an army of other little angels replacing – or possibly brainwashing? – the boys) come in to my room. I heard small whispers and a giggle and then as quick as they came, I heard them leave. It couldn’t have been my kids. If it were my kids, they wouldn’t have bothered to be quiet, they would have pulled on Seth’s ears and sat on his face, flailed their arms and legs until they eventually injured each other and let the farts fly until the entire room stank so badly we were forced to wake up and meet their demands.


It definitely wasn’t my kids.

Later, when I woke up to my alarm, I knew the kids were awake but I didn’t know where. When I walked into the hallway I could hardly hear their small voices. The lights were all off and nothing seemed to be out of place so, naturally, the first place I looked was the boys’ bedroom. Even as I type this out I’m still in disbelief. Right there, in their room, snuggled up in their beds with books and warm smiles on their faces WERE MY KIDS. Or, who I thought were my kids.

“What are you guys doing?”
“Oh, we’re just talking quietly.”
“Oh my god.”
“We stayed in our beds all night.”
“But I heard you I thought?”
“Oh yeah, we just wanted to give you guys hugs and then come back to our beds.”

I know you think I’m exaggerating that conversation AND I HONESTLY WISH I WAS EXAGGERATING BECAUSE HONESTLY WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY KIDS LAST NIGHT?! Even typing it feels like a lie but it’s NOT. That is WORD FOR WORD what Matheson said to me while Abbott laid in his bed and nodded politely the whole fucking time. At one point, I stared at them speechless wondering if I was maybe still dreaming and hadn’t actually woken up.

And it didn’t stop there.

They got out of bed, Matheson dressed himself after I asked him ONE TIME. Abbott let me dress him without any arguments or kicking or screaming or flailing. And then, here’s the real kicker, when I realized we were running late and I was still getting ready. I hollered into the hallway.

“Matty and Abbott, when I come out of the bathroom in five minutes, I want you to have your shoes on.”

And after a long pause I heard the angel who replaced Abbott sing to me as clearly as ever.

“Okay, Mom!”

I know what you’re wondering, but did he?

YES. HE FUCKING DID. And not only did Abbott have his boots on he had his fucking coat on, zipped, with his hood up, ready to fucking go! AHHHH. I get worked up thinking about it! Angel Matty also had his shoes on and then continued to put his coat on without ANY ARGUING OR BEGGING. WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

I want to know if this is happening in other places. Are we going to end up in history books about aliens brainwashing our kids? Is M. Night Shyamalan going to write a movie about this?

Is it a blessing or is it a curse?! What does it all mean?! 

AHHH, Chatty Corner! Both of the boys are talking non-stop now which is hilarious but there’s so much to jot down that I miss 80% of it. Matty’s thoughts are becoming more complex while Abbott is regularly saying, “Awe, not fair!” whenever he doesn’t like something. Whether it has anything to do with being fair […]

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You guys, I have really big news this morning. I don’t know if you’ll believe it. I don’t even know if I believe it. But I sent Abbott to school today in Fruit of the Loom underwear. That’s right ladies and gentleman, real underwear. The kind that leaks when you pee in it and sags […]

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