A Special Place is a new weekly series in which we’ll cover all of the special places in hell and all of the special people who might reside there. This week, we’re covering a very special person who undoubtedly – in my mind – has a very special spot with his name on it.
Let’s start with a definition.
Com·plic·it – [kəmˈplisit] – adj – involved with others in an illegal activity or wrongdoing. “Chris Harrison is complicit in the immoral science experiment that is The Bachelor franchise.”
In all honesty, I could have very well just dedicated this week’s Special Place to literally everyone in Bachelor Nation (including the fans who can’t help but keep the whole thing going – uggggggh) but I’m not, because having a special place in hell is very different than having an actual thrown with your name on it just waiting for you in said special place. And why talk about a general group of somebody’s, when there’s a king reigning supreme?
Enter Chris Harrison, face and #1 barf bag of The Bachelor.
I should say before I dig in that I have admittedly watched episodes here and there of both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. And while I’ve never watched an entire season, I almost watched all of Rachel’s (for those who don’t know, she was the first black bachelorette) season. As you can imagine, I regretted it (and still do) because it was INFURIATING (as most seasons probably are) but in case you’re a die hard Chris Harrison fan (even though I’m hoping that’s not an actual thing — if it is, I don’t want to know), just know I’m coming from a place where at least I’ve tuned in and followed the drama throughout the show’s far-too-long tenure.
First of all, if you’ve ever seen The Bachelor or any of the spin offs, I know you’ve asked yourself, ‘wtf is wrong with Chris Harrison?’ How could you not? He’s like a human robot void of actual emotion, coded to exude extreme levels of creepiness. No matter what’s going on in the show, you know Chris is there — lurking in the shadows, waiting to slowly walk out, act confused as fuck and ask insincere questions, barely able to veil his lack of empathy and moral compass.
He’s just the worst. And if you’re lucky enough to have a moment when you forget he’s there, the show cuts to commercial and you hear his eerily calm voice, “Coming up, will the large mushroom growing out of Stacey’s ear keep Jim Bob from giving her the rose? And later, on the absolute most dramatic season of The Bachelor ever, the shockingly shocking surprise you won’t want to miss.”
I have a theory that he’s hypnotized and the only actual thing he hears in his head is a small voice rapping a parody version of Limp Bizkit’s Nookie. I did it all for the ratings. Yeah! The ratings. Yeah. The ratings! And by small voice, I mean it’s obviously the minions.
It’s like he delights in torture. Take for instance last year’s finale when the Bachelor, and other barf bag extraordinaire, Arie (or however it’s spelled, I dislike him so much I refuse to even look it up), broke off his engagement with Becca (SURPRISINGLY, WHILE BEING FILMED). Becca (an obvious glutton for punishment because she’s also this season’s bachelorette – INSERT SO MANY DEEP THOUGHTS) was then forced to sit on a stage in front of a large, mostly-female audience (who does way too much gasping and not enough “OH FUCK NO”-ing to be anything but casted), watch the whole incident (that went on for what felt like *literal* years) and then answer a plethora of questions about how she fucking felt about it, asked by none other than creep-human-robot, Harrison. HOW DO YOU FUCKING THINK SHE FEELS ABOUT IT, CHRIS?!
And then, because that’s not enough, Airy (again no idea about the spelling because – well – fuck you, Airey/Ary/Arie) came out and she had to sit there with the barf bag twins, robotic smiles plastered across their faces, answering questions about what was for sure the most embarrassing thing she’d ever gone through – well, until that moment when she had to re-watch it LIVE and then talk about it with two heartless men who were in on it.
How many seasons could one normal person handle narrating what is maybe the most immoral and gross social experiment on TV? For enough money, probably more than a handful. BUT at this rate, there have been 21 seasons of The Bachelor, 13 seasons of The Bachelorette, four seasons of Bachelor in Paradise, three seasons of Bachelor Pad and one season of the newest social experiment I didn’t even know about, Bachelor Winter Games. Come on. You couldn’t pay me enough to WATCH every season, let alone narrate AND be the face of 42 seasons across 5 different shows that hinge solely on people selling their souls so I can pump them full of booze, lock them in a house together and make a pretty penny off of exploiting their emotions and broken hearts.
OH WAIT. That’s not Chris.
Sorry, I get them confused.