Buzzed buddies was a weekly-ish series where I invited a friend to get comfortably inebriated and write a guest post on any chosen topic. If you knew my friends you’d probably be surprised at how hard it was to get people to get buzzed and write about whatever they wanted – but then again, maybe you wouldn’t. BUT I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS, Buzzed Buddies is back – sort of. There’s one minor change, BB has a new co-owner! He’s the guest that kicked off Buzzed Buddies, my live-in comedian, the father of my children and the most laid-back opinionated person you’ll ever meet. Yup, Seth is taking over. Rules are still the same, no editing (pray for me). Guests are still welcome but when we have no guests, Seth will be the one manning the whiskey and the keyboard.
The other night, Seth put together his first Buzzed Buddy as resident host and as I was reading it over (both kids were in bed and I was watching the series finale of Nashville I had DVR’d) Seth said, “OH, BABE. Wait, this is probably important” when a weather alert came on the TV (again I was watching the DVR) and the weather was literally clearer than it had been in a week. So, I can promise he won’t take his duties lightly. Buckle up.
SO NOW WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, I GIVE YOU SETH.
Guess who’s back……back again……Stizzos back…….tell a friend……….
Megan SUCKS at getting people to do this buzzed buddy so guess what? I AM TAKING IT OVER!!!! I know. I know….it’s gonna be tough to drink every week and talk about shit that annoys me but I guess I’ll give it a shot. (sorry grandma…again….I’m cussing)
So, as is the tradition I started and no one followed, I will tell you I am sipping on Seagrams 7 and some Diet Pepsi Cherry – Casey fucking HATES that I do that cherry shit but it’s tasty.
ONWARD – I’ve been waiting to just unload on some shit because a lot of stuff is just pissing me off in the world but haven’t had a chance to comment. But first let me comment on Megan – she gave me her laptop and it was dying so I kinda yelled her name a couple times and she didn’t answer so I said “MEGAN” a little louder and might have woke up the kids but she yelled back “SETH STOP YELLING” louder than I said anything….then she came in and said I was yelling like a lunatic…ohh the joys of parenting with good ole Megan.
Anyway, to save some time I just decided to make a top 5 list of things that are realllllly pissing me off at this time. If you have a problem with what I am saying you’re an idiot but if you agree then you win a free Abbott and June bro tank or swim trunks. Here it goes mofos:
1- HOW THE FUCK DO PEOPLE FORGET THEIR KID IS IN THEIR CAR ALLLLLLL DAY AND THE KID DIES – I thought about leaving this out because the last idiot in Mississippi seems to have actually forgotten her kid was in there because she had tinted windows – then I realized I fucking HATE this lady because she is so full of shit I can’t even handle it. I drive 14 minutes to my almost 2 year old’s day care. The entire way he is asking me “whatsthat? Cirecruck? Mooooooon? “Abbbb – It’s sleeping?” he doesn’t fucking ever stop talkin. So I just don’t believe it’s possible for these people to forget their kid was in the car melting away. AND how the fuck do you get to work and sit there for 8 hours without one thing triggering the fact that “OH SHIT” – I will never believe someone when they claim to have forgotten their kid in their car for 8 hours…put a fucking picture of your kid on your work cubicle or computer like you care so it reminds you not to murder your kid you fucking pieces of shit and NOW I AM SWEATING.
2 – Megan putting the toilet paper rolls on the TP roll holder, dispenser, whatever you call it. I know this is probably some old thing that every relationship has an issue with…but this is serious. I swear on G1 that I don’t think that she’s ever put that fucking new TP roll on the dispenser…..I have tried using different tactics to tell her how to do it – anger, affection, sadness, hypnosis – but that thing aint being replaced. I mean, it really isn’t a big deal in the long run of a relationship but I might kill her tomorrow if she doesn’t do it. (next week we’ll touch on rinsing dishes after use)
3 – Day care prices – GOD DAMN IT……..I can’t breath thinking about it so we’ll talk about that in 5 more years
4 – True Detective Season 2 – I have a buddy at work that just started watching season 1 and it did two things to me. First, it really got me super excited to watch season 1 again because it was one of the best seasons of anything I’ve ever watched. I remember thinking “If this shit keeps up, it might blow away The Wire (best show ever made). BUT then season 2 came – Google it if you need to because I am not giving my review on it but I don’t think I’ve been more disappointed in anything more than that besides when I just stepped on the scale in my bathroom drunk – day one starts Monday!
5 – My son picking his nose and eating his booger – I always thought that I would be punished for putting my mom through a shit storm when I was younger but I didn’t think that the one thing I LOVED growing up would gross me out/piss me off as much as Matheson picking his nose all day and eating his booger. I am obsessed with stopping it…..but then again I am also wondering if this isn’t maybe something that he needs. I mean, he is so fucking cute, smart, tan, ripped and sensitive that he has to have some flaw. I’ll give this one to him……also, probably because I still pick the SHIT out of my nose and I think we need something to bond about. Also, how good does it feel when you yank out a huge booger with snot attached that literally clears your entire brain?
Welp, Rust Cohle just killed his way through an entire biker gang/ gang of bloods or crips or whatever and the HBOGO stopped because Century Link sucks.
Until next time………also I forgot that forgetting to grab a towel before a shower in my shower is hell…cold long walk to the laundry is the worst……especially because I never do laundry and the towel is always used.
Sweet Jesus. There you have it. Your new leader of BB. Again, buckle up.