Buzzed buddies was a series where I hand over the reigns to a comfortably inebriated buddy of mine to discuss a topic near and dear to his/her heart. This week Brandon, our resident basketball guru and #1 Molly Ringwald fan, is back to have a “serious” conversation about room temperature, cold-weather people and hot-weather people (DON’T BE JEALOUS OF MY GOLDEN TAN, BRANDON!). Brando loves vodka teas, killin’ it in his side hustle of making cakes and, apparently, not being forced to enjoy beautiful hot summer days.

Now, without further ado, let’s all give Brando a warm welcome!

Don’t get me wrong from the start, I think “hot weather people” are totes adorbs, but the entire world has come up with a comfortable temperature measurement called “room temperature” that has been around since the early 1600’s (I couldn’t find the date on google but that sounds legit).  

I’ll give you the wikipedia definition of room temperature: “Colloquially, room temperature is the range of temperatures that people prefer for settings, at which the air feels neither hot nor cold when wearing typical clothing. The range is typically between 68 and 81 degrees fahrenheit.”

Bill Nye has confirmed that it is 72 degrees.  

Here are my arguments about the way people go about being a “hot weather” or “cold weather” person.  Mind you, this is from my research lasting 35 years, 28 of which I remember. 1982-1987, I was an infant, 2006 was the other one. That story is for another time.

Hot Weather:

They are confident about their love for hot weather and don’t care if it makes other people uncomfortable. They want you to hang out with them on their terms, and feel like you aren’t living life if you stay comfortably inside when the temperature is above 81 degrees. They want to go outside in 100 degree weather to prove that them and their kids are going to rule the world by being outside. They want to live their lifelong goal of sweating while sitting still and having bugs and insects all over them.  

Cold Weather:

If someone prefers to be outside when it’s cold, they’ll stay in at room temperature during the times of the year where it is over 81 degrees. They won’t pressure the hot weather crowd to come inside if they are uncomfortable with the cold or guilt them into coming inside by saying that it’s beautiful outside. If it’s 50 degrees outside, they will love to go out and enjoy it, but won’t make you think you are crazy to not want to be out there, because you are enjoying room temperature inside with your blanky, like they attempt do with their fan in the hot weather, until being forced to come to Mosquitoville.   

Moral of the story, let’s all meet in the middle at FUCKING ROOM TEMPERATURE!!!! Let us not judge each other’s preferences, whether inside or out unless the temperatures are between 68 and 81 degrees Fahrenheit. 81 degrees is still hot, I’m just compromising.

Some parents try too hard to make themselves look good to other parents. You know the key to parenting: it’s love, discipline, and truth. It’s not being outside as much as possible to show other parents how good of a parent you are. The zoo SUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKS. The children’s museum is awesome, bc it’s room temperature  If you have any questions I’ll take them from my air conditioned home while watching the “tryhards” sweat outside.

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO AGES 5 YEARS EVERY TIME I GO TO THE CHILDREN’S MUSEUM? Thanks, Brandon!