Buzzed buddies is a weekly series where I invite a friend to get comfortably inebriated and write a guest post on any chosen topic. This week’s guest, Ben, has 736 pet peeves, loves dogs and, in case the title didn’t give it away, was much more than comfortably inebriated when he wrote this. Next time Ben visits Abbott and June he’ll probably be married so consider this a historical piece of literature. I don’t edit or filter the posts in fear of losing originality and humor, so read at your own discretion. 

And now without further ado, I give you Ben. Good luck following along.

Beth LeStanton

The original love bird(s), Beth LeStanton

OK, sitting here celebrating/ drinking the fact that Oklahoma just made it to the Final Four Megan and Seth asked me to do a Buzzed Buddies.  I asked Megan for a topic to talk about and was given no direction. So like Simon Pegg and those British Mofos i am going to go Full Monty ……..so, what is on my mind?

First off, Buddy Hield loves playing basketball and unlike Bubba Gump he does not get his lip caught on that trip wire. He strokes 3’s like Joey at open gym and the last time I was this happy about a basketball game we were winning the Hoop it Up title in 1997, which my sexy fiancè Tabi was about 2 years old when that happened. But it was epic and started a spiral of championship plaques and recorded-over dunks that will never be matched. We all dont have enough room on our mantel cases (none of us have mantel cases) for all the 15-cent plaques that we aquired over the years. But that’s besides the point. As I speak right now Matty is just picking at his butthole with the biggest smile on his face. (Now i’ve been given direction)………Seth says “talk about how it is not having kids, when your friends have kids”……….so here we go……. Fuck you, Seth I’m not talking about that, thats boring. We all know kids are awesome and no one else wants to hear how super sweet your kids are because we all know they are bad ass. When Matty says Bot-tit it’s awesome but we all know he’s going to be a dickhead to him when he’s like 10 and then Abbott is going to get super pissed off and tattle tale on him and they are both going to get spanked. But anyways I went on another tangent.  #whats happening right now, Tabi is telling me we need to get an Uber home so we can let Norman out so he doesn’t diahrrea all over the apartment……as valiant as her efforts are I am going to tell her that he is at least 21 years old (in dog years) and therefore should be able to make his own decisions about his bowel movements. I will more thank likely lose this argument but that’s ok with me because I love her to death and she has amazing boobs (I was told this would not be edited)…….therefore in closing I love my friends and fiancè more than anything in the world………BOOOMER FUCKING SOOONER!!!!!!

Jesus…has risen.

Thanks, Benny. Next time I’m definitely giving you a topic.

Hope you enjoyed your Uber as much as I’m enjoying the purse and phone you left here.