Buzzed buddies is a series where I hand over the reigns to a comfortably inebriated buddy of mine to discuss a topic near and dear to his/her heart. This week we have a special guest and she’s special for a couple reasons, 1) she’s technically family which obviously makes this special and 2) I don’t know her super well (or didn’t until I read her buzzed buddy 😂). She is married to Seth’s uncle which technically makes her our aunt even though (I think?) she’s younger than I am (jerk) and much more vibrant (double jerk). She has a full house (and a full hear), a deep love for softball and a comedian for a husband.
I don’t edit or alter Buzzed Buddies, so buckle up for a hard root beer ride with Aunt Tina!
I’m not a big drinker so when I decided to do Buzzed Buddies, I knew I was going to have to suck it up. II’m not a big drinker so when I decided to do Buzzed Buddies, I knew I was going to have to suck it up. Ihate beer so my choice was hard Root Beer. It is working because I almost fell off my deck a little bit agowhile holding my daughter. Mother of the Year Award should go to me. I went back and forth on whatI wanted to write about and decided to write about my life. I often say that Tim and I should have ourown reality show because the shit that happens in this house is hilarious. I’m going to start with my biggest pet peeve; pet being the key word here. My FUCKING DOGS. I love my dogs with all my heart but FUCKING A. They have destroyed by fucking house. I bought my first home last June and I was so excited. It was so god damn cute and now it’s a shit hole. They have literally ruined everything in this house. First, there is Bear, who is my dog. He is a present from Tim when I lost my Labrador to cancer. Bear was the sweetest, fluffiest puppy and LOVES me. Then there isMax, the old, grumpy dog.. He is Tim and Jaelin’s dog that they’ve had for years. And Boomer, who in my pregnancy, delusional state, I decided to take on a whim. He was supposed to be small dog but of fucking course, he is fucking huge.
Quick interlude….. Willa is NOT going to sleep so I have to be a parent for 2 seconds. Nevermind, Jaelin’s got her. Anyway, my dogs. It’s always a surprise when we wake up in the mornings and come out to evaluatethe carnage that has taken place in our living roo . They get on the counters and will pull anything they can to chew it up, like full cans of formula or diaper packages left on the table. WHY THE FUCK DO THEYHAVE TO DO THIS?!? Do they know that they have cost me hundreds of dollars in things? New shoes,old shoes, glasses, wallets, Masyn’s books, toys, binkies, FUCKING SIPPIES and God knows what else.Every night, we put things up and think they can’t get to them but those motherfuckers still find andchew up anything they can. I love my dogs but THEY ARE DICKS! Oh! And let’s not forget my God damn blinds! They literally chewed up my blinds! WHY!?!?!?! Those are the big dogs. Now we will move toMax, the whiny little shit ball that won’t shut up! He whines about fucking everything. If he doesn’t get his way, he will whine until he gets it. Kinda like I do I guess. People tell me I should just get rid of the but I can’t because I love those furry little fuckers.
Moving on…. Let’s talk about motherhood. I wanted kids so badly and now that I have them, I can tell you that it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. Now, there are things that I was not prepared for. I’ll start with Masyn, who is almost 2. Yeah, almost 2. Where did the time go? Anyway, I always imaged having girls so it was unprepared for being a boy mom. He is wild, sweet, shit ball. That kid knows how to test my patience and melt my heart at the same time. He climbs on everything, he throws epic fits where he will bite, kick, hit and scream at the top of his lungs and then stop all of a sudden stop and say HI! He will grab things he’s not supposed to and then run away from me, laughing the entire way. The other day he wiped his snot on my face. Yep. WIPED HIS SNOT ON MY FACE. Now,Tim’s relatives told me that he was a wild child but holy shit, I was not prepared for this. Poop, pee,vomit and snot wiped on me is not how I envisioned my life. Then there is my baby girl Willa, who is 5months old and I have no complaints there except for the occasional blow out diaper. She is the sweetest baby ever! But I know it’s coming. I know the attitude is coming. For now though, I’ll keep enjoying her smile and her cuddles.
Next comes Tim who is 18 years older than me. Tim is hilarious . Some of the shit that comes out of his mouth has me rolling on the floor. I’d like to make a list of his top 5 things that he’s said:
- On our wedding day, the coach for the Oklahoma Sooners resigned. Tim’s exact words were “Stoops resigned! This is the worst day of my life!” Any other time, I would have been sympathetic but seriouisly?!? On our wedding day!!! I guess all I can say is that, that man loveshis Sooners.
- While watching the movie Signs one night, Tim was thoroughly freaked the fuck out. He said“I’m so freaked out, I’m getting cobwebs! I mean goosebumps…” Jaelin and I could not stop laughing at this. I don’t know where the fuck he came up with cobwebs.
- The time he told me my boobs look like they are sad and looked like Squidward’s nose. Yes.That actually happened. And I’d like to say that while I’m writing this and talking about it, we are all laughing our asses off. Imagine my pregnant self, looking in the mirror and having my husband telling me that my boobs look like they’re sad and look like SQUIDWARD’S NOSE!!!
- Watching that Cheeto that lives in the White House’s Presidential inauguration, “why is it that when these president’s get older, they look like the masks they wore in Point Break?” Point Break used to be my brother’s favorite movie so of course I fucking DIED when he said this.
- Tim loves to insult me in the most lovingly way. So when I was doing some stupid survey on Facebook, I asked him what type of face shape I had. The following conversation ensued: Me-What type of face would you say I have? Like round, square, heart…..?” Tim- Is moose an option?” After he said this, he cracked the fuck up. He could not stop laughing and of course, I started laughing with him. Where and how does he come up with this shit so easily?
Well, both my kids are FINALLY asleep, the dogs are still being assholes and I’m out of hard root beer. Iwant to watch what the orange ape that thinks it’s ok to be a white supremacist has said. So, peace out.Stay golden pony boy and welcome to the FUCKING CATALINA WINE MIXER!