You know what’s dumb? Easter candy. It’s like the devil got dressed up in delicate, frilly pastel clothes to go romp around on a sunny hillside with baby farm animals and I can’t stop paying to watch. If I had a dollar for every time I thought about Easter candy this week, I’d be rich. LITERALLY RICH.
This was my mind yesterday (and basically every day) during Easter candy season (aka “lent” to some):
I need to grab diapers after work. I want some easter candy. My workout class is at 11:45 – I need to leave at 11:30 to make it. Maybe I can stop and get some Easter Candy on the way back? I wonder if anyone in the office has Easter candy. I need to write that thing for the marketing team. I should just bring a bunch of Easter candy to put in the bowl. But then I’d just eat it ALL DAY…but Easter season does only come once a year. Oh, I need to test that new feature on the software quick. I want some of those mini eggs. Why are those so fucking good? Megan, focus, don’t be a fatty. Wait. What was I doing? Should I just get the fucking Easter candy? No, seriously, what was I fucking doing? If I get Easter candy, I’ll have to hide it from the kids. UGH. I’m a terrible mom, they shouldn’t even know what candy is. HAHAHA. Oh, fuck, I need to put that stuff in the mail. I hate the post office’s hours. WHY IS THE POST OFFICE LITERALLY ONLY OPEN WHEN PEOPLE ARE AT WORK?! And I hate that parking lot. I wonder if I could make the 4:30 workout class if I don’t go over lunch. But then the kids will have to go with me to get the candy. I don’t need the candy. I’m not getting the candy. Ok, am I going to the 11:45 class? YES. YOU FAT FUCK. YOU ARE GOING. Oh my god, I don’t want to go workout. Fuck. Wait. Where is my wallet? Shit. It was on the counter ….God dammit, I have a meeting. Mini robin eggs are definitely the best type of Easter candy, right? Yeah. Definitely. Mmmm, I don’t know. Cadbury eggs are sort of the best. And the butterfingers eggs are money. Why is Easter candy so expensive? I hate marketers and trends – well, and the world. OH MY GOD. I can’t read another news story. Lent…should I give something up for lent? YES. EASTER CANDY. But can you really give up something you don’t have to begin with? I’m just going to get the candy. After work. But wait. Oh, yeah, I don’t have my wallet. Where the fuck is that thing? TIME TO LEAVE. Workout. You’ll feel better. Wedding season. Baby weight. GET UP OUT OF YOUR CHAIR. I don’t want to goooooo. UGH. FINE. It’s so nice outside. Fuck. Where are my keys? GOD DAMNIT. I’m going to have Alzheimer’s at the age of 36. Welp. So much for making that class. Maybe I should just go get my keys and then go grab some Easter candy. I can’t spend another minute thinking about that fucking candy. UGH. I DON’T HAVE MY WALLET.
My mind later in the Easter candy aisle of Walgreens. (OF COURSE I WENT.)
This shit is so overpriced. Ooo, what are these? Gosh. My kids touch everything. OH. Mini eggs. Found ’em. YES. Do I really need these? Ooo, three for $9.50. Okay. That’s a good deal, right? Oh my God, in what world do you need three bags of Easter Candy? This one? It’s fine. God. Who cares? Such a fatty. Wait, where are my kids? Why can’t I just decide what to get? Maybe I should just get a small bag of eggs and be done. Yes, let’s do that. OH. Reese’s eggs. But what’s the better deal? Probably the bigger bags…why am I so bad at math? What does Matty have? Yup. I’m going to have to buy that truck. And Abbott’s not going to put that down. Look at my kids right now. Michelle Obama would not be impressed with my parenting right now. Seth is going to kill me. … Yup, twenty-one dollars later. Shit. Twenty-one dollars?! This is so ridiculous. Seth’s going to have a coronary. Buuuuut it’s sort of the same as a bottle of whiskey, right? And he comes home with multiples of those a week. Soooo, this will be fine, right? Jesus. Who needs twenty-one dollars worth of candy? I’m so bad at math. Twenty-one dollars. Oh great, that lady hates my kids. Why are people such dicks? Bot loves that thing and he doesn’t even realize he won’t be able to eat the candy in it. But that’s what he wanted. I guess. Whatever. Whoa. Matty didn’t get any candy. That’s amazing. Good job, buddy. I am never buying Easter candy again. I don’t even want this fucking candy. UGH. Why is this my life? I’m giving up everything processed for lent. EVERYTHING. Yeah, actually I’m just going to give up everything forever. I wonder when lent ends? I want to set this Easter candy on fire. I HATE EASTER SEASON.
And so, in conclusion, Easter candy is the devil. It may have won this round but I’m going to get the next one (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA).
Have a great weekend! Be safe out there.