The other day I walked in to Matty’s classroom at the end of the day to pick him up and as soon as I walked in and he saw me, he yelled across the room.
“MOM! HI! MOM? I told Miss Courtney you have nipples! And she laughed.”
Matty has had a weird thing about nipples for awhile now. I’ve told him countless times that everyone has nipples in hopes that maybe the novelty might wear off but NOPE, no luck. And while I’m sure his teacher, Miss Courtney, who looks like she might be in high school and I’m fairly certain is also new to his classroom knows everyone has nipples, I have to admit I was still a little embarrassed to know my three-year old was talking about mine with a stranger. I tried my best to act unaffected but I could feel my cheeks getting warm.
“Yes, buddy, we all have nipples.”
“Mhmmm, you have nipples.”
At this point Matty’s lead teacher walked over and shared another bit of information about Matty’s day.
“Yeah, so Matty was our first one…”
I fixated on the words “our first one” and expected good news, maybe he passed some developmental milestone that I could check off my “to worry about” list (because I’m a mom and of course I have one of those).
“…He was sitting down going potty while one of his friends was going potty on the toilet next to him. He looked over at her and you could just see his wheels turning. And as serious as could be, he looked up and asked where her penis was…”
I realized my “to worry about” list was actually about to grow by one or two or five items.
“…So of course we had to explain to him that she is a girl and only boys have penises. So then he spent the next – I don’t even know how long – walking around pointing out all of the boys. ‘He is a boy. He is boy. He is a boy…‘”
Her voice sort of just tapered off and I mentally added 20938408 different items to my “to worry about” list. I looked at Matty, sitting contently in my arms with a straight face, listening intently to the story as if he didn’t live it. AND THEN HE LAUGHED, LIKE LEGITIMATELY LAUGHED, LIKE HE GOT THE JOKE even thought there was NO joke.
I laughed I had to say something but what do you say to that? I laughed with Matty to buy myself some time.
I let my voice taper off and chuckled a weird chuckle. YES, BECAUSE I AM SUPER ORIGINAL AND CLEVER AND WITTY BUT I AM ALSO HUMAN.
As we left the room, Matty started telling me about that one time he told Miss Courtney I had nipples and how she laughed.
“Buddy, everyone has nipples. We’ve talked about that.”
“But do you have a penis?”
“No, only boys have penises.”
“Buuuuut, do you have a peeny??”
“A peeny is the same as a penis and I’m still a girl.”
“BUT YOU’RE NOT A GIRL! You’re a woooomund.”
Yes, I am a wooomund – hear me roar and HEAR ME WHEN I SAY EVERYONE HAS NIPPLES.
I can’t wait for Matty to go to school and tell everyone I have a giant, giant, giant pee-pee.