F* It

Dear Spring,

What the fuck are you doing? Stop being such a tease. Show the fuck up and stick around. It’s not that hard. Don’t, as Bic Runga would sing, come and go like you do. Quit, as the Backstreet Boys would sing, playing games with my heart.

MY HEART IS FUCKING TIRED, ok?! My skin is also tired PROBABLY FROM A VITAMIN D DEFICIENCY. Not naming names. Ahem!

Show the fuck up and be a real season. Exist with a purpose. It’s officially time for you to get your shit together. We all love you, we all want you to be here and we’re all ready to make the most of our time together. One more week of this shit and we’re bound to never trust you again. If you want us to put our boots away and commit to you, you need to – as The Boss sang (ironically, on an album titled Nebraska) – give us a reason to believe. Give me a fucking reason to roll my windows down, play some terrible pop music too loud and put away my bulky ass sweaters I’m sick of wearing. 

A winter storm watch is effect now but YOU can change all of that. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL OF US, this song is for you. Except, ignore the end of the song because you don’t need Mother Nature, you need us.

STAY HERE, SPRING. I’m down on my fucking knees, I NEED that vitamin D for my mental stability – WHICH SHOULD BE PRETTY EVIDENT BY THIS POST.

So far today I have done the following: Woken up with hives Taken a cold shower (thanks to said hives) Left my keys in my house Realized I was locked out when I went to get said keys Broken in to the house with my library card (thanks to resourceful, and yet terrifying, instructions from […]

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I’ve let a few days pass since hundreds of thousands of kids across the country marched for their lives. I’ve let it all sink in. I’ve seen all of the footage, I’ve read a lot of the articles – from both sides, I’ve watched the interviews, I’ve tried to understand the other side of the […]

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Y’all. It’s a sad day in our house. Our very first family pet, Puppy, had to be put down last night. Or, more accurately, flushed down the toilet last night. Some of you might remember last year at almost this exact time (MIND BLOWING) I was uneasily unemployed and filling my days with home improvements, […]

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Do you all listen to podcasts? I’ve recently gotten really into them. I mean, of course, like the rest of the world, I listened to Serial and S-Town but other than that I’ve stayed out of the podcast game. Everyone seems to have a podcast so finding ones I like seemed daunting but I’ve been […]

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I need to tell you about the batpocolypse that happened in our home the other night. It was the boys’ first experience with a bat in close quarters (whereas it was, like, my 5th) and it told me a lot about my survival style – AKA every man for himself – AKA Abbott’s scarred for […]

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I’m officially another year older! And for being such a boring number, I’m really excited about 34. 33 was a weird year. I think I’ll mostly remember it for all of the aging that occurred. You should see the grays I have to show for it; now, that would be a ‘before and after’ to […]

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This week my brain has been B U S Y and on topics across the emotional spectrum. Doritos. Everyone was talking about it, one of my friends was really into them but quieter, smaller bags of Doritos for women? IS IT JUST ME OR DOES THAT SEEM COUNTERPRODUCTIVE TO WHAT WE’RE TRYING TO DO HERE, […]

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I have a comondrum (that’s obviously what a conundrum on a Monday is called). Every now and then my kids will walk into a room where I am or they’ll pop up next to me on the couch or resurface from the far corners of Target with their dad and I’ll say, “Hey, girl!” It’s […]

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What are the guidelines on emotional support pets? Because this has my head spinning. Like, is that a thing? And how, exactly, does it work? You bought an airplane ticket for your peacock. I’m not an ornithologist but I don’t think a peacock is going to fit in one airplane seat. Jesus, I can barely […]

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