Ok, we’re back with our weekly series of Do You Know About Game of Thrones? I’m actually writing this week’s edition from my car. We spent the morning at the zoo romping around and just as I was deciding what our next move would be some kid pooped on the splash pad and they had to shut it down over the water quality concerns and that was our sign that it was time to go. So now the boys are snoozin hard in the backseat and we all know you don’t fuck that up.
So, fanmomming. Last night fanmomming was so much easier than last week. The kids only interrupted us once. ONCE! And what did I get? I got one of the lamest episodes of GOT I’ve seen since season one. Yes, you read that right, I thought last night’s episode was as boring as a day with no plans (well, I love those days now but you know what I mean). Let’s break it down.
- Let’s begin with the most boring and annoying. Of course I’m talking about Sansa, WEIRD. Again, can she not read social queues?! How many times does Jon have to look at her with the don’t-you-dare glare?! Seriously, she is the most annoying woman on GOT. She’s not dumb but she’s not smart and she’s not likable but she’s hard to completely hate. She’s just fucking boring. And so predictable. How long until her and Little Finger are making out in the woods, you guys? UGH. SANSA!
- Speaking of Little Finger, the creep always staring longingly from the dark shadows, I appreciated Jon Snow choking him out but, really, what a waste of energy. Little finger is as boring as Sansa. How long until their making out in the woods? BORING.
- The grandmother of Queen Tyrell (or Queen Tyrell, still confused on that because – well – fanmom) returned last night and had maybe my favorite line of the night, “Are you a sheep? No, you are a dragon. Be a dragon.” YES, DANY, BE A FUCKING DRAGON AND GET THIS SHIT STARTED. WINTER IS COMING!
- Theon. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Call me heartless but when Theon got greedy and betrayed Rob Stark, he was done to me. He’s done a little good since then, helping Sansa stay alive (or trying to) was a kind gesture I guess and setting fire to two boys who weren’t the Stark boys was, I guess (?), a nice gesture? But overall, Theon is as good as his defense of his sister last night. If only jumping ship had been the last we’d see of him. BOY, BAI.
- Uncle Greyjoy is gross. I don’t understand people who think he’s a badass? He killed his elderly brother on a rickety bridge in the dead of night to overtake a kingdom and then attacked his niece and nephew’s fleet, also in the dead of the night, looking like he was on a cocktail of steroids. Compared to winning the battle of the bastards or living with the faceless man or even being married to Joffrey, Uncle Greyjoy is weak. He’s a weak excuse for a pirate and a man. Can’t wait for him to marry Cersei so she can epically dispose of him.
- Speaking of Cersei, why hasn’t she grown her hair out yet? I can’t handle this cut she got in the dungeon of faith anymore. She was boring last night, too. Begging and pleading for Kings to fight with her, being enamored by an oversized bow and arrow. WHERE’S THE FIRE CERSEI?! Come on!
- Jaime just IS boring, so it’s not surprising that he had no affect on anything last night. When is he going to leave Cersei in the dust? Or do something cool again, like when he freed Tyrion or gave Brienne of Tarth the armor and it almost seemed like he had a brain of his own. GET IT TOGETHER, JAIME! You’re on the wrong side of the war.
- One unboring thing did happen last night, NYMERIA RETURNED with a fucking wolf PACK. She came face-to-face with Arya and for a second I thought Arya was going to become part of the wolf pack but alas, Nymeria decided to peace out. Arya asked her to come north with her and the direwolf said, “Nah, girl.” I can’t wait for her return and even though I don’t really know that she actually will return, I’m putting the vibes into the world because I need more of Nymeria and Ghost in my life. But speaking of Arya, SHE FOUND OUT JON IS KING OF THE NORTH AND SHE’S GOING HOME. (Smell ya, Sansa.) There were maybe five minutes of the entire episode that I didn’t find boring and that was one of the them.
- Speaking of finding out Jon is King of the North, Melisandra returned to urge Dany to meet with the King of the North and Tyrion seemed as shocked as he was happy to hear the news. JON IS GOING TO DRAGONSTONE, YOU GUYS! But at this pace it will be episode seven before he gets there….
- Is Sam going to save Mormont?!?! Of course he is because he’s the best! Seth hates Sam because he says he’s a “pansy”, so of course I have a lot of money on Sam singlehandedly saving the realm.
If you can’t tell, I’m getting impatient! WINTER IS HERE, PEOPLE – why are you lollygagging around?!???!!!!