Um, I don’t know if you guys heard but Game of Thrones started back up this week. It’s the first half of the last season (because of course HBO is going to turn the last season into two halves that will probably span over four years – PURELY GUESSING) and EVERYONE, myself included, has been going nuts all week. After much deliberation I’ve decided I, too, would like to share my insights on this week’s episode and start a new series called DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE GAME OF THRONES? Get it? It’s funny because literally everyone knows about the Game of Thrones and also because I probably won’t offer any real insight, I have no theories to share that are going to make me famous and I’m really just a fanmom who had to watch GOT at volume 10 (which, for the record, is nearly on mute) and pause it eight, EIGHT, different times because my kids do not respect the concept of bedtime now that they’re roomies.
So, here is my fanmom take on the first episode of GOT season 7:
- Arya Stark is legit the most badass character on GOT. Of all time. (Lyanna Mormont might be the second.) I cannot wait for the tour d’revenge to continue.
- Sansa is still a bitch with unfairly beautiful hair. My guess is she will fuck everything up due to her lack of knowing when to stop talking. Like, can she not take social queues? I mean, did she basically win the war thanks to Little Finger’s weird ass pedophillac obsession with her? Yes, but I do not care. As Ygritte would have said, “YOU KNOW NUFFIN, SANSA STARK!”
- Speaking of Ygritte, Jon Snow is still not unattractive.
- I didn’t really hear the exchange between Jamie and Cersie (again, volume 10) but it was clear Jamie is still a coward in love and Cersei is still a delusional lunatic with no heart.
- That Grayjoy dude is NOT hot and I wish the internet would stop acting like he is. Ew. Slapping some eyeliner and leather on a dude is not going to make him hot. Johnny Depp was already hot when he was cast as Jack Sparrow – eyeliner did not make him hot, it just made him hotter.
- Ed fucking Sheeran. OKAY. On one hand, he is totally cut out to be on GOT – a cast of fairly typical and unattractive people – on the other hand, HE SHOULD NEVER BE ON GOT because, again, he’s Ed fucking Sheeran. He’s, like, the most musically talented pop star alive right now AND he has, like, two number one hits on the charts (I didn’t research that but you know what I mean). I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND. GOT is not a soap opera, it’s a LEGITIMATE series on HBO. H.B.O. Home of shows like The Wire (which I have admittedly never watched), The Sopranos, True Blood, Sex and the City and GIRLS. Justin Timberlake never made a guest appearance on Sex and the City. Taylor Swift was never on GIRLS. WHY ED SHEERAN, WHY?!?!?!?!
- Sam is still the best. WHEN IS HE GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD WITH THIS MOUNTAIN OF DRAGON GLASS?!
- The Hound is slowly becoming one of my favorite people, mostly because he gives zero Fs about anyone; I honestly laughed out loud when he made fun of the dude’s man bun and couldn’t help but admire his perfect (have-to-be-fake-right?) teeth as he stared into the fire. He totally has those rough-around-the-edges-but-softy-hero-at-heart vibes and I love it.
- Am I the only who’s seriously curious how in the effing world the dude with the eye patch who’s been brought back to life 576 times and is as weak as a geriatric patient is going to make a difference in the war against the white walkers? Like, is he magic? Will a white walker fall in love with him and cease the war? I mean, these are seriously things I wonder about.
- The mother of dragons made it to Dragonstone and it’s both vacant and creepy AF – “SHALL WE BEGIN?”