Momming

A little over a year ago I shared a comondrum (a conundrum on a Monday) about Matty swearing. At the time he was two (which is insane to think about) and he had recently started swearing freely. Again, he was two, so of course I found it hilarious and adorable and, as you can imagine, had no problem with it at all. 

Cut to today.

I don’t just have one child swearing freely. I have two. And while I still think it’s fine as long as they’re not using them to talk down to, berate or belittle other people, I have to admit it is a little overwhelming. Abbott — once our sweet, well-behaved baby who loved to sleep — has grown into an extremely vocal and (for lack of more PC terms) spirited (like, REAL spir-ih-ted) child. He repeats everything Matty says and has literally no volume control on his voice box (he’s basically a rabid parrot) let alone any fucks to give, so you can imagine what it’s like the moment Matty says anything colorful.

The other day we were watching Jurassic Park (don’t judge me) and Matty, while standing on the couch wide-eyed watching the scene where T-Rex runs after the Jeep, yelled, “HOLY SHIT! HOLYSHITHOLYSHITHOLYSHIT!” Suddenly, Abbott’s ‘holy moley’ turned into ‘HOLY SHIT!’ and I’m pretty sure had someone seen me and Seth’s faces, they would have said our eyes bugged out of our heads like an old Looney Tunes character. I mean, ‘holy shit’ is mild but it’s just the magnitude and speed at which it always happens. And the fact that Bot gives zero fucks about anything always kicks it up at least five notches. I mean, I can at least ask Matty to stop and he’ll be reasonable but if I ask Abbott to do anything, he scream-screeches (again, rabid parrot) in my face, squints his eyes like he’s a super model (this what he calls his “angry face”) and then does whatever he damn well pleases.

My god. He is cute but he is a fucking lunatic.

This morning he was standing outside of the house screaming at bugs in the air/trees: “HEY, YOU GET OFF THERE YOU ASSHOOOOOOLES!Like, what?! And once at school pickup a couple months ago, his teacher told Seth one of his friends pushed him down and when he got back up he called him a ‘motherfucker!’ At any given moment, you could catch both of them running around the house talking about ‘those fuckin’ flies’ or dropping a good old ‘god dammit’, ‘shit’ and ‘fuck’ when they can’t get their train on the tracks, their dinosaurs to stand or – god forbid – carry all of their beloved Hot Wheels across the room in one trip.

It’s almost like my laissez faire approach — my no harm, no foul — way of letting them live their lives is backfiring a little bit. What once was cute has turned into something else entirely. Between mini-dad Abbott and mini-mom Matty, our house is full of loose lips, hot tempers, colorful language, loud voices and O-PIN-IONS. You know when they say, ‘be careful what you wish for’? I’m pretty sure this is exactly what they were talking about.

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Matty Man, Rather than get overly sentimental (because you know I can in a split second), I wanted to celebrate all of the amazing things you did this year. You accomplished a lot! You learned to recognize almost all of your letters and so many numbers. You learned to write your name (yes, I cried). You […]

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A couple weeks ago, Matty’s teacher emailed Seth and I saying one of his friends’ parents had requested she pass along their email addresses so we could set up a play date. At first I thought, ‘Awe! Matty has a real friend!’ but as soon as the cuteness wore off, the questions and awkwardness of my […]

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[Comondrum: Conundrum on a Monday] When I was younger my mom told me there were three things you never talked about with others: Politics Abortion Your salary I’m not sure whether this advice was to avoid confrontation, to avoid being categorized as something (namely a liberal) or if it was just the more womanly way […]

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Over the weekend Matty had his first tee-ball game. This is our first go at ‘organized’ sports and Matty is definitely not the first kid I think of when someone says ‘athletic’ so I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. All in all it was pretty good but I definitely realized how painful it’s going […]

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The other night we took the boys to the splash park for the first time this year. The park was incredibly busy. There were at least 40 kids on the splash pad and another 40 – 50 on the playground, which meant each area had a decent-sized crowd of parents standing or sitting around the […]

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My little boys love early mornings. They love running into our room and waking us up. They love seeing our faces. They love hearing our voices. They love making us laugh. They love jumping on us while we groan about the sunlight and only half seriously ask them to go back to sleep. They especially love […]

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A large part of me always wanted to be a teacher. In college, I mentored writing students and when I transferred to Iowa, I went on to work at a preschool and child care center, staying a year after graduation while I tried to figure out what my next step would be. I applied for […]

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If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: BLESS THE SINGLE PARENTS. Seth returned home late last night after a 5-day/4-night guys trip and let me tell ya, there is nothing that makes me question my parenting abilities or tests my patience quite like being the sole care provider for my kids […]

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