I know we’re, like, days from Christmas and everything is supposed to be merry and bright but honestly, I’ve got a really pressing issue I need to discuss.

I’m about 99.9888% positive my pregnancy brain never went away. In fact, I’m 99.9999% sure it’s actually gotten worse. I mean, it’s possible it’s just graduated and should now be called ‘mom brain’ but whatever the case, it’s real bad, guys. It’s also real emfuckingbarrassing and, to a point, slightly worrisome. But today I’m choosing to speak out just in case someone else can relate/make me feel better about myself – or offer me some really great tips and tricks to finally get out of the baby fog.

I’ve always been forgetful and life is pretty chaotic right now so to a certain extent, I give myself a pass but I’ve hit my breaking point. Let me share:

Yesterday was a friend’s birthday so like a good human and friend, I texted him. A couple hours later, I was romping around on Facebook and all of these birthday posts were shoved up to the top of my newsfeed so I decided I would write something short to – again – wish him a happy day. It read, ‘HBDSNEEZAY!’ (because I’m obviously clever) – please note the number of characters. If you, like me (or so I thought), are very familiar with Facebook, you know my message was in, like, font size 734. Then, later last night I got a notification letting me know he had commented. I assumed he was saying thanks, so I didn’t look at it. Forward to this morning when I got on Facebook, still had the badge, clicked on it and realized – somehow – that I had not in fact posted a message on his wall where everyone else had, I had – somehow – just updated my own status to read, ‘HBDSNEEZAY!’

For some, this might seem like something you could easily fuck up. For me, a pretty tech- and social media-savvy millennial, this is fairly sizeable oversight. I mean, come on, it’s something my mother would do! But ironically never has, so that’s something…

I can’t suffer in silence anymore. My children have sucked my brain cells out and left me with dusty pebbles up there! That or pregnancy triggered early onset of dementia but that would be terrible juju to send into the world, so let’s go with the first. Am I alone? When I was pregnant, I used to leave my fly down all of the time. I would just forget to zip up. When I read about this pregnancy brain phenomenon I deducted that – at least for me –  it must be true. And it’s still true but I’m not pregnant anymore, my youngest will be two next week and I still do the weirdest shit.

The other night I got out of bed in the middle of the night to get Abbott medicine. I filled up the syringe, rinsed my hand, walked out of the kitchen, turned off the light, stumbled across the pitch black hallway and suddenly heard a familiar noise. THE WATER WAS STILL RUNNING IN THE KITCHEN SINK. And not just, like, a slow pour but running on full blast. And I do it all of the time. I leave water running behind me wherever I go and sometimes – more than I’d like to admit – I don’t even realize it. In those instances, Seth will ask, ‘what’s that noise?’ or I will ask myself, ‘did I have the water on?’ HALP.

I forget to flush the toilet (way too often). I forget where I’ve set things down. I look for things I’ve ‘lost’ to the point that I get irritated only to realize I’m holding them in my hand. When will I be able to change the channel with my mind?! I can keep every single calendar and schedule straight, remember all of the likes, dislikes and wishes, milestones and special moments belonging to Seth and the boys, and even some friends and family, but I can’t remember the running water or take a moment to notice where I’m posting birthday wishes or flush the toilet??????

Silver lining: At least I know that while I might forget to wear pants (because you know that’s what this will come to), my kids will be where they need to be, I’ll be there for the important moments, the people I love will know I’m thinking about them and hopefully Seth will always be there to follow me around and shut off the water. And another silver lining: we’re older millennials – if we were any younger, Seth would have probably already started a Go Fund Me page to help pay for our water bill. THERE IS ALWAYS A SILVER LINING, GUYS.

On the topic, I found this interesting. Bonus points for those who laugh at the same hilarious neuroscientist name I did. ‘Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.’