As promised yesterday, I’m going to be the good Beyoncé fan I am and talk about Lemonade.

First things first. HOLY FUCK. That visual album was a complete mind fuck. Was it beautiful? Yes. Was it artistic? Yup. Is Bey still a BAMF? Obviously. Was it what I was expecting to see? Absolutely not. NO. Just, no. Remember the last “visual album”? The one that was fun to watch? That’s what I expected and, if I’m being honest, wanted – but to be fair that’s what I always want from Bey.

So, that’s how I feel about that. Let’s move on to where my heart lies, the album. THE ALBUM. Shit son. The. Album. Well, let me be the gazillionth person to say it’s the best Bey album front to back ever made. And let me be the bamillionth girl who’s been cheated on before to say, AFUCKINGMEN and #HAVEFUNWITHBECKYBITCH. I have listened to the first half of the album at least 27 times today. As a girl who is by no means sane when fucked with, I will tell you there is nothing more accurate to infidelity than tracks 1-5. Are Bey and I soul mates?!?

For fun, let’s break it down. WWBD? Bey’s Guide to Being Cheated On

Track 1 – Pray You Catch Me Praying to catch you whispering. Praying you catch me listening. Listen, hell hath no fury like a woman with a gut instinct and the courage to investigate it. She’s chalk full of pride and has no code of conduct to abide by other than the law. Phase one: Bey is on the hunt but she wants to be wrong.

Track 2 – Hold UpI’m not too perfect to ever feel this worthless. How did it come down to this? Going through your call list. I don’t wanna lose my pride, but I’ma fuck me up a bitch. What’s worse, lookin’ jealous or crazy? Jealous or crazy? Or like being walked all over lately, walked all over lately? I’d rather be crazy. PHASE 2: BEY KNOWS and she’d rather be crazy. She suggests sticking to your intuitions and doing what you need to do to get the truth – I concur. Been there done that and UM. YEAH. while I wasn’t quite Gone Girl, I was probably teetering for a hot minute. If you’re worried about how crazy you’ll look to other people, you should just counter that with how stupid you must look to everyone else for being with such a dickhole – I mean, that usually worked for me.

Track 3 – Don’t Hurt Yourself – Hey baby, who the fuck do you think I is? I smell that fragrance on your Louis knit boy. Just give my fat ass a big kiss boy. Tonight I’m fucking up all. When you hurt me, you hurt yourself – try not to hurt yourself. At a certain point when you’re 100% positive something that shouldn’t be going on is going on, you legit lose your shit. Phase 3: Bey’s knows her worth and makes sure the sleaze in her presence does, too. Always keep your self-worth and value in the back of your mind. This will help you from actually, literally fucking up everything in sight aka starting a fire, breaking valuables and bringing out the nunchucks.

Track 4 – Sorry I ain’t sorry. I ain’t thinkin’ about you. Middle fingers up. Put them hands high. Wave them in his face. Tell him, “Boy, bye!”. He always got them fucking excuses. I pray to the Lord you reveal what his truth is. I left a note in the hallway, by the time you read it, I’ll be far away. I’m far away. But I ain’t fucking with nobody. Let’s have a toast to the good life. Suicide before you see this tear fall down my eyes. Phase 4Bey threw her middle fingers up and SHEGONE. Keep your pride and your tears and walk away with your head high, confident he’ll never have anything half as good again. You’re on the up.

Track 5 – 6 Inch – Six inch heels, she walked in the club like nobody’s business. Goddamn, she murdered everybody and I was her witness. She works for the money, she work for the money. From the start to the finish and she worth every dollar, she worth every dollar. And she worth every minute, gonna make you feel. You always come back to me.  Phase 5: BEY GONDO BEY. This is when you start to hyper focus on making yourself better but also, subconsciously (and sickeningly), everything you’re pretty sure that doucher wants you to be – even though you might not want him/her back, you definitely want him/her to want you back.

Track 6 – Daddy Lessons – With his gun, with his head held high. He told me not to cry. Oh, my daddy said shoot.  Phase 6: HE COMES BACK. And what is Bey’s advice? Well, it’s her Daddy’s (I loathe that word) advice, shoot him. I’m thinking this is figuratively, right? You can’t trust him so you shouldn’t take him back, it’s easy enough. But there’s so much about this song that’s not my cup of tea. 1) I have to ask, is this about her Dad’s actual advice – wasn’t he also scumbag? If so, not into it. 2) Everyone thinks of Swamp People when they hear this song, right? “CHOOT EM! CHOOT EM” I can’t STOP thinking about Swamp People thanks to this song. Do we think it’s like a not-so-secret shout out to New Orleans? Is it just me?

Track 7 – Love Drought – This is where the cheating advice ceases, and it becomes apparent that Beyoncé chose to forgive and try to move on. BORING. But I guess if that works for you, that’s would Bey would do. I didn’t have children when it happened to me and I also have an innate inability to trust easily, so this would go against every ounce of advice I’d ever give. Also, fuck that – Dory would say just keep swimming. I don’t know how people do it but it must be working for Bey (it’s obviously working for her album) – assuming this is all based on her own truths of course, which is a whole different thing.

I’m trying to convince myself that Lemonade is mostly about her (previously mentioned sleazy) Dad because if Jay-Z did influence this album, I’d like to believe that – regardless of forgiveness – Bey would take her own advice when she says, “Always stay gracious, best revenge is your paper” and take her brand new, best-yet album to a streaming company that isn’t owned by said husband. What’s hers is his as long as they’re married but it’s the principle, people.

Tracks 8 – 12 – Beyoncé chooses to love, needs her freedom and – as we all know by now – carries hot sauce in her bag because she slays. And in case you forgot, she woke up like that, too.

So, there’s Lemonade/Bey’s Guide to Being Cheated On in a handbag. It’s good, the first half is best.

And one more thing, I feel like I should just say – since I’m coining myself as a Beyoncé fan – I never confused Rachel Ray for Rachel Roy. I’m not even sure how that happened because …. well, have you ever heard Rachel Ray talk?

But I did think it was hilarious.

Rachel vs Rachel