A Special Place is a new weekly series in which we’ll cover all of the special places in hell and all of the special people who might reside there. This week, I’m talking about those people. You know, the ones who have 911 on their speed dial because they’re allergic to diversity.

I have never once called the cops in my life.

One time, while we were on a road trip, I urged (or probably guilted) Seth into calling the cops after we passed a car parked haphazardly in the median strip of the interstate. As we sped by, I noticed a young, blonde girl sitting alone in the passenger seat of the car. We were miles and miles from an exit, it was too late for us to stop, the sun was setting and the mom in me kicked in.

A possibly stranded girl in the median of the interstate warranted a call to the police. After all, they’re here to protect and serve. But, in my book, there isn’t a lot outside of the obvious that warrants calling the police. After all, they’re busy protecting and serving. They’re not here to comfort me when I feel uncomfortable due to my lack of life experiences with things like strung out homeless people, weird neighbors changing empty trash bags in the city trashcan on the corner, beggars standing too close to my car, drunks sleeping in the empty lot down the street.

Those people are living their lives and that’s their right. Is my right to live a comfortable life more important than their right to do what they need to do to get by? No. We live in the city in a spot between the really rich, the really hip and the really poor. That’s the choice we made and I would be an idiot to think just because we moved in that everyone around us has to conform to what I’m comfortable with.

So, with that said…

There is a special fucking place in hell for all of these people who keep calling the cops because there are young people around them living in a shade of skin that makes them uncomfortable. We’ve all seen the stories. The young woman eating lunch at her college who ‘seemed out of place’. The young woman who fell asleep studying in the common room of her dorm and seemed out of place because, let’s face it, she was black. The little girl who had police called on her because she was selling water bottles outside and was apparently too loud. The group of black men who were barbecuing at the park. The two young boys who asked to use the restroom in Starbucks and were arrested.

The list goes on and on. And it’s fucking disgusting. 

If you’re uncomfortable because you’re a raging racist who can’t stand that people unlike you exist, please stop wasting everyone’s tax dollars by calling the police to “protect” you. You don’t need protection. You need a reality check and probably some sort of ultra-grade exorcism. Enjoy your very special place. I’m sure it will be full of all of your favorite things. At least, I hope it is. It would be such a shame if you didn’t learn something while you were there. 

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