Last week as we tucked the boys into bed, I asked Matty what he wanted for Christmas. He replied without hesitation.

“I’m going to ask Santa for a Optimus Prime and a fingerling.”

First of all you guys, what the fuck is a fingerling, right? I asked.

“A fingerling is, uh, like, a animal that sits on your finger? It can talk to you and makes noises. Some even light up!” HIs eyes widened wider than what seems like should be physically possible. So as soon as we left the boys’ room, I was on Amazon. And fingerlings are . . . something else. But you know that saying, “what my baby wants, my baby gets”? That’s basically me at Christmas. WHATEVER MY BABIES WANT, THEY GET. To a reasonable extent, don’t judge me.

I mean, do I know what they do or what makes them special? No. Do I feel like they’re worth the $60.00 it’s going to cost us? HAHA. No. Not even in my wildest imagination could I ever consider this finger dinosaur being worth more than $10.00. And that’s being generous. But here’s the thing, is ANY toy your kids could ask for for Christmas worth what they cost? And will our kids ever actually ask for things are worth their time or our money? I have VERY little faith.

Is there a perfect Christmas gift?!

I read an article last night; it was a list of hot Christmas “toys” parents should buy now before they sell out. Pre-fucking-pare yourself.

There were dinosaur fingerlings. Guys, Matty is so on trend. There were those fucking surprise eggs that I do not understand. Like, is it or is it not a giant egg full of arcade prizes? There were Hatchimals which are quite literally the cheapest looking toys you could buy for $50.00. I mean, there were variety of items that I will never buy. But, most mind-blowing, there were these fucking unicorns that poop unicorn slime (and kids are apparently very into it). Its name was Poopsie and it will run you $85 at WalMart. Guys. It’s a unicorn. That shits. slime. And costs eighty-five. fucking. dollars.

There are a lot of things wrong with the world but I would venture to suggest that Poopsie is high on that list.

Fingerlings, Hatchimals, Poopsie. No way these are perfect gifts.

I’ve been thinking putting a couple suitcases under the tree and taking the boys to Chicago for a few days. We’d go see REAL dinosaur fossils at the Field Museum, tromps around the Shedd and experience the amazingness that is the Museum of Industry and Science. But we all know that while Christmas in Chicago with a three- and four-year old might sound magical, there’s a very real possibility it would actually be misery. The carrying of the coats, the waiting for the trains in freezing cold temps, the pure insanity of toddlers on vacation in crowded places.

I’m sweating just thinking about it.

I mean, yesterday we went to a Christmas tree farm for the first time and Matty had to take a shit in the woods. And since Abbott does everything Matty does he just had to shit, too. So there we were, in the woods atop a bunch of snow-covered leaves, teaching our kids how to squat without shitting all over their boots. It was one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever experienced. Seth kept saying, “This is it. We’re leaving after this shit. I don’t care if we have a Christmas tree or not.” The third time he said it, I couldn’t help but ask if the pun was intended. And, while bent over supporting Matty so he didn’t fall backwards into his own poop, I laughed so hard I cried. Seth, however, did not.

But that’s all besides the point, I guess. 

Is there a perfect Christmas gift? Yes. I’ve figured it out. And so I’m here to ask, 100% for myself: 

Is it too much to ask the boys’ friends’ parents to let me wrap up their kids and put them under our tree? Like, just borrow them for a few hours on Christmas morning? I haven’t figured the logistics about how we’d fit them under there or keep them quiet long enough to keep it a surprise but those are minor things. Isn’t that what the holidays are about?!

I can’t imagine anything they’d love more. And if any of my friends are reading and don’t have anywhere to be on Christmas morning, I’m sure there’s a cozy spot for you under my tree.

I realize this doesn’t help anyone who was hoping it’d help you with your Christmas list but THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS UPON US, YOU GUYS, and….

A lot of people have been talking about how they’re scared for their boys and I have to say, I am too. As a mom of two young boys, I’m terrified. I’m terrified that despite all the lessons between right and wrong Seth and I will teach over the course of the next 15 or […]

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It’s been a while. Hey, how are you?! Insert massive hug. Seth has been saying, “Babe, you gotta do an A and J!” on and off for a while now and my response has consistently been, “I know but I have nothing to write about.” And then last night he said, “BABE. You gotta blog. You […]

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You guys, I have really big news this morning. I don’t know if you’ll believe it. I don’t even know if I believe it. But I sent Abbott to school today in Fruit of the Loom underwear. That’s right ladies and gentleman, real underwear. The kind that leaks when you pee in it and sags […]

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I have a comondrum (that’s obviously what a conundrum on a Monday is called). Here is the scenario: You and your partner get invited to a party. It sounds like fun and you decide you’re going to try to get a sitter for your two (or more) little ones. You get a sitter. The day […]

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A Special Place is a new weekly series in which we’ll cover all of the special places in hell and all of the special people who might reside there. This week, I’m talking about those people. You know, the ones who have 911 on their speed dial because they’re allergic to diversity. I have never […]

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How often do you and your kids say I love you? I read something recently in which a mom said she hardly said I love you to her kids and her husband because she didn’t want to cheapen it. “When I say it, it means something.” It made me reflect on how often I use […]

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A Special Place is a new weekly series in which we’ll cover all of the special places in hell and all of the special people who might reside there. This week, I’m talking about my body (and maybe your body) and everyone who finds it offensive. If you find other people’s bodies offensive and make […]

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Last night, after a busy weekend of camping with their grandpa, the boys had a hard time staying in their bed. They came out of their bedroom on a regular rotation with a excuse after excuse. “One more kiss.” “One more hug.” “Eskimo kisses!” “Dad! Abbott scratched me!” “DAD! YOU DIDN’T PUT ICE IN MY […]

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I have been asking Seth for a date night for what feels like 17 years and for the last two months, every time I’ve mentioned it he’s said, “We’re having one in, like, two weeks!” Since we’ve become parents everything is “like, two weeks” away regardless of whether it’s next week, next month or three […]

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