Buzzed buddies is a weekly series where I invite a friend to get comfortably inebriated and write a guest post on any chosen topic. This week my co-parent/roommate/partner Seth will kick off the series with parenting advice (sort of). I don’t edit or filter the posts (I’m sure Seth will make me regret that) in fear of losing originality and humor, so read at your own discretion.
Now without further ado, I give you Seth.
*THIS POST CONTAINS (A LOT OF) FOUL LANGUAGE, ARCHAIC MAN SPEAK, TMI AND TERRIBLE ADVICE.*
Hello everyone….thanks for the intro Megan….but what you failed to tell everyone is that we just had a quick sesh before you handed me the keys to your blog.
Love that you can’t edit this.
Now, on to what I’m here for. I think I’ll start a precedent and state what I’m drinking while I put this award winning (hopefully Barstool Sports will ask me to join up) blog post. Crown Royal Black – birthday whisk from one of my buddies…I also took a shot of fireball while Megan was typing the intro (after the intense totally CHILD PROOF love making).
Lovemaking is a good intro into what I want to talk to you today about – parenting. Because holy FUCK…..what the fuck is up with being a parent. I seriously didn’t believe anyone when they said “oh dude, it’s the best thing in the world but holy shit man it also sucks fat D”. Of course I am just paraphrasing what my friends said and I only had like one friend with a kid, besides my cousin who should have been born in the gladiator days and doesn’t talk much about kids at all – great dad but doesn’t give much insight.
If you’re thinking about having a kid, I want to warn you…..your life is fucking over….OVER. THANKS A LOT KID – I wasn’t doing shit with my life in the first place but I didn’t give a shit…that was the BEAUTY of what I had going on. I have a great family, a great bunch of friends, a degree that got me an extra shitty job that made me enough money to survive partying and I was happy – but I was definitely dead at 39. I used to brag about it like it was something super glorious that I was going to die before 40 just despite old age and nothing comes good after that anyways. Then the owner of this blog came along and seduced me with her sweet Hawaiian skin and I got her pregnant.
THEN MY WHOLE PLAN WENT TO SHIT AND I BLAME MY FIRST SON.
He popped out and then everything I knew was fucked. He was ripped out of her stomach, looked me in the eyes and said “oh hey, remember all that stuff you thought you cared about? Fuck that! I’m here, forget it and shut up” What a bully. But he was right….I can’t remember what my life was like without being a dad. This was it….I had a kid and this was my life…keep him alive. Just started figuring that out AND THEN Megan tricked me into having another kid! I’m totally fucked and you know what? Good! Because I love this shit. Do I miss sleeping in til noon? Not if it means I miss making my boys some breakfast and hearing my oldest yap about fucking fire trucks, minions, cookies and other shit I can’t understand (what the fuck is “moilay”?). Sleep used to be my favorite thing ever now I wake up a bunch of times during the night and I’ve kinda grown into wanting to hear my older son saying “DADA, DADA MINIONS, DADA” in his sleep so I can go into his room and snuggle him back to sleep.
Oh yeah, and a quick tip to all dads – tell your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend that if they want to take a nap they need to do it…especially on Sunday…because then that’s when you get to spend that quality time together that ENSURES they like you more than the other parent. Jackpot man…..Megan would always ask if it was cool if she could nap…I acted like I was just helping her out because she was tired – PSYCH….nope dad’s the coolest see YA.
Drink’s gone…scarface hit a slow point….so screw all of you, time to end this – I want to present my top 3 pros and cons for being a dad:
1-Using your kid as a reason to not go to work – I literally used this 10 times within Matty’s first month of being alive at my old job. So perfect dude and then you just sleep and Netflix
2-Using them against your significant other – every time we get in a fight about anything I can bring up something I do more than she does with the kid…….game over, suck it!
-QUICK GAME BREAK BECAUSE IM WATCHING SCARFACE AND HE JUST BLEW SOME GUY’S HEAD OFF
3-hoping they will turn into millionaires – not sure how I am going to make this happen but one of these little punks is getting rich and I’m getting a boat and fishing the rest of my life
3-FUCKING DAYCARE. You can’t put a price on making sure your kid is safe but seriously, fuck daycare prices. You’d think they’re at some amazing resort getting back rubs or handies all day. NO…..they’re praying and eating fucking salmon cakes – RELIGION IS ANOTHER BUZZED BUDDY….
Thanks for your time…hope this is good and if not, I could care less because I’m drunk. Boomer Sooner…Got One…droppin the mic
Well – that’s the father of my children everyone. Thanks, Seth…