We’re nearly one week away from Christmas. I know! It’s bananas, right? Going on vacation to a sunny place far away from the cobwebs and assholes of the internet and reality took away some of the holiday cheer I was buzzing on before we left and I’ve been struggling to get it back this week. I mean, it’s now or fucking never so I’m in it to win it. I’ve a got a few blessings I’d like to share (it is the season of giving) in hopes of getting back on the right track.

This is my “Bless You” list.

Bless the toy companies and “independant sellers” really making the most out of the holiday season. No, like, *literally* making the most ($$$). There’s nothing wrong with price gouging or looking to make a 250% profit! I mean, this is the season for giving and, when you think about it, parents really do have the most money to give – daycare is so cheap, diapers are basically free and formula is nothing more than ground up chalk. AM I RIGHT?!

Bless EVERY SINGLE non-parent who’s really into sharing this holiday season. Bless their parenting expertise and their *cough-dogshit-cough* unsolicited advice. Bless their willingness to guide all of us parents in the right direction and for really helping us understand our own kids. Bless their hearts. I only pray I can pay it back when they themselves become parents.

Bless the bullies, the trolls and the haters for being bold. Bless them for adding color to absolutely every single thing done/said/posted/thought. Bless them for believing that saying and doing things only a fucking idiot with zero sense would do will actually benefit somebody – it’s hard to have such strong beliefs, you know?! Bless them for expressing their jealousy in such a graceful, eloquent way. I pray they can find other ways to express their creativity because I’d hate to see them run out of people to bully/troll/hate. Can you imagine if these strong-willed souls had no creative outlet? That’d be a travesty.

Bless the two year olds who go to sleep every night as though the illusive Santa comes all year round. As adults we say, “live every day like it’s your last” because that’s a hard thing for us to do but these toddlers have gotten it figured out – just don’t sleep! Bless them, their undying excitement and unbounded energy. Bless their unwieldy imaginations. I pray my very own 2-year old human miracle can teach me his ways. I mean, God knows I get way too much sleep.

Bless the candy companies and the holiday-related treats for just really doing it. In the off-season, it’s just a Reese’s peanut butter cup. But now? It’s a peanut butter CHRISTMAS TREE! Duh, obviously I need 7 of them. These companies really know how to make an old thing exciting – all they need is a holiday and a nation addicted to sugar! That’s amazing. I can’t get enough! Bless these marketing geniuses praying on my every weakness, really pressuring me to buckle. I’M GETTING STRONGER WITH EVERY 16th TREAT I DENY!


No but for real, I think this really made me jollier. I should share my blessings more often. As Bruno Mars would say, “Gotta blame it on Jesus #blessed”