Baby clothes

I have a comondrum (obviously that’s what a conundrum on Monday is called). Will someone PLEASE, for the love of God, explain to me the sizing of baby clothes? I’m like the billionth trillionth person in the world to have a baby (let alone that it’s 2016) and yet it would seem that primitive toddlers are sizing baby clothes in some remote corner of the world. First things first, baby clothes should be sized in weight and height. Don’t tell me that’s too hard for people WHO LITERALLY MAKE CLOTHES all day, every day. If I can count my kids’ ages in months until they’re God knows how old, the people making baby clothes can give me a couple accurate measurements so I don’t have to make returning clothes my involuntary hobby.

When we found out we were having another boy, I went through Matty’s clothes and separated them by size and put them neatly into different containers to make life easier for myself. I must have been high on excitement and that brand new baby smell because talk about a fucking waste of time. On one hand, I have newborn clothes I’d be lucky to get on a Ken doll. On the other hand, I have newborn clothes that Abbott is still wearing at three months and, like, 30 inches long. The inconsistency continues through every stage and while it’s unbelievably frustrating to understand why, that’s not even the worst of it. At least whoever sized those clothes confidently picked one age and ran with it. Even if they were fucking delusional, I can appreciate a little dedication.

You know what’s the worst? 0-6 months, 3-12 months, 3-8 months, 0-12 months. What in the flying fuck? Those labels could not be less useful if they said “human” on them. Whoever sized/made those clothes has either never had a child or is a fucking child. The idea of something being sized for a 6 month time frame is so beyond my comprehension I don’t even know where to begin. What do I even do with that?! Oh, I’m a mom now so I must have a shit ton of time to sit around with a pile of poorly sized clothing and try each piece on my baby one by one every day for six months until one fits just right!? I’m not fucking Goldilocks and this is not a fairytale.

This is real life and I’m a new mother covered in shit and baby puke 80% of the time who has to dress her child multiple times a day. Just yesterday we were at the zoo and Abbott had a blowout unlike anything I’ve ever seen. There was shit all over the stroller, all over the blankets, all over the baby and then eventually all over the zoo bathroom and up and down my arms. The incident cost me half a pack of wipes, 3/4 of a travel bottle of sanitizer, 20(ish) paper towels and an entire baby outfit. If I had pulled some BS replacement outfit out of my diaper bag labeled 0-6m and it didn’t fit him, I would have literally set my hair on fire.

I could go on and on and on, but much like these ridiculous clothing labels I don’t have time for that, so I’m just going to start my own baby clothes line and it’s going to be called “Shit that Fits” with the tagline “For life’s little shit fits – literally”.

Oh, hush. It’s a great idea.