I always hear people make comments about how awesome it would be to be a baby again, or forever. They comment on how awesome it would be to just lay around, to be rocked to sleep and to have a schedule that only revolves around life’s basic essentials – eating, sleeping and interacting. But, you guys, there’s a reason we don’t remember our babyhoods (it’s called teething and eating from the boob) but there are a lot more reasons we grow up – and why it’s way better than being a baby.

Contrary to popular belief, being a baby would be terrible.

For starters, babies can’t control their bodily fluids. Can you imagine if every time you tried to do anything, there was just white creamy goo oozing out of your mouth onto your clothes, the people you love’s clothes, your toys and other people’s hair? Or worse yet, collecting in your neck rolls causing a disgusting and smelly fungal situation that people embarrassingly refer to as “neck cheese”?? Sick. Neck cheese is 100% the opposite of life goals. Can you imagine shitting your pants so badly it’s down your legs and up your back and not being able to help yourself? Babies literally have to wait for someone to catch a funky whiff in order to get their underpants changed. You guys…

Secondly, babies only eat milk from the boob (not ideal), powdered formula mixed with water and sometimes crackers as light as air with absolutely no taste. No tacos, no pizza, no smoothies, no whiskey, no sushi – no nothing! Talk about a deep depression. 

Also, babies can’t move on their own. They just lay and stare and giggle every now and then. When they’re bored the only thing they can do is suck on their fingers and toes. Sick. I mean, they’re cute but honestly there’s a reason they cry when something is out of reach – they don’t want to be immobile and neither should you!

But this brings me to my next point, not only can they not move – they can’t legibly speak. They have to wail and scream and kick in order to get something they want, and even with that there’s, like, a 40/60 chance they’ll actually get it. I don’t need to be a gambler to know those are terrible odds.

Sure, babies get rocked to sleep but don’t you think that would get annoying? I mean, eventually I’d probably just be like, “Listen, I love you but this whole rocking situation is getting weird and I really just need to lay down and have some space.” I mean, yes it’s probably awesome but not forever – right? I mean, I guess it might be nice to just get cuddled all of the time – but, then again, it wouldn’t at all! 

Lastly, babies can’t defend themselves. Babies are 100% at the will of those around them. In our house, Abbott is at the will of Matty 95% of the time. Unfortunately for Abbott, Matty can talk, throw tantrums, take toys, run, walk and be adorably manipulating when he wants to be. And even more unfortunate for Abbott, Matheson has yet to put together that Abbott is not in fact our family dog, but an actual human who will one day be his size. Matty plays fetch with Abbott, uses him as an arm/leg/body rest, blames him for things he clearly cannot do (No, Matty, Abbott did not bite you – he has no teeth and I watched you put your arm in his mouth.), cries when he calls for Abbott and Abbott doesn’t come and crawls into his crib to play with him when he is sleeping. And you know what, poor Abbott can’t do a single thing about it. #nightmares

Being an adult sucks because of things like bills and the fact that forever suddenly doesn’t seem that long and….well, being responsible for adorably perfect mini humans BUT that’s like the best and worst thing all at once. Clearly being an adult is way better than being a baby. I have yet to figure out if it’s officially better than being a toddler, so I’ll get back to you on that…

But adult today and be happy about it – because, I mean, you could be a baby?

Marty and bob