GAME OF THRONES IS BACK. And so am I because if there’s anything that can bring a girl with no face back to life it’s the resurrection of the best television show EVER made.

Last time a new Game of Thrones episode aired Abbott was barely two and Matty was three. Today, Matty is almost five and and Bot it almost 3.5. Let me tell you, fanmomming has taken on entirely new challenges, mostly in the form of aggressive fucking QUESTIONING techniques and sheer will.

Within the first five minutes of the episode the kids came into the living room at least eight times with what felt like HUNDREDS of questions. One time Bot came out by himself to ask questions about the white walkers and every single time we’d tell him, “it’s bedtime, we can talk about white walkers tomorrow.” When he finally got sick and tired of our answer, he shot us an annoyed look, stomped out of the living room and back to his room, but not before angrily yelling back at us, “I WAS JUST ASKING ABOUT THE WHITE WALKERS!”

The minute the dragons showed up in the skies over Winterfell and let out a scream, so did my children. “Was that a dragon? Are there dragons in this show? What do they look like? What color are they? How many are there? Why are they there? What are they doing.” It was like Seth and I were in the fucking lightening round of some insane GoT game show.

But anyway, like Bran said we don’t have time for all of this, the night king has a dragon and they’ll be here any fucking day so let’s fucking go.

  1. So the episode starts where it should have, with Dany and Jon and all of their homies riding into Winterfell. Arya (FUCKING QUEEN) is standing by watching – or as Sansa would say “lurking” (because she obviously doesn’t get what it means to be a fucking boss) –  and seems pretty into everything that’s happening. Her friends are here, Jon is here, dragons are here and Arya is 100% HERE for all of it. Soon all we’ll be seeing is her slicing and dicing up some uncoordinated dead people, so I too am here for it.
  2. Sansa is well, Sansa, busy being displeased with literally everyfuckingthing she can find to give a cold stare. I really want to like her so I hope she brings something to the table before this thing is over. She has literally no skills besides wooing men, so it’s not looking that great but after an episode that felt like a fucking family fiesta during the holidays, I’m optimistic. It also helps that Arya called her “the smartest woman” she knows which is undoubtedly 1009324% false but whatever, they’re sisters and I’ll count it as cute. For now.
  3. What I won’t be counting as cute is Jon and Dany’s bare back dragon ride through the canyons. Fucking ew. I get it, they’re in love and all of that is great but the army of the dead is literally in the home stretch WITH A DRAGON OF THEIR OWN, and these two – when not demanding everyone’s respect and loyalty – are parking by desolate waterfalls to exchange corny love jokes and some tongue. Christ. AND, I’m not a queen of all the kingdoms or a mother of dragons but it seems to me like if the dragons aren’t eating, they should be saving their energy FOR THE FUCKING WAR?? #loveisadrug #justsayno
  4. Now, on the subject of Christ. Sam, bless his perfect soul FINALLY SPILLED THE BEANS to Jon Aegon Snow Targaryen who, bless is also perfect soul, took offense to the news only because it may have meant his perfect(ly hot) dad lied to him. WHAT WILL JON DO?! I have to admit I’m not always that smart and I never once thought to ask myself who would be a better leader, Dany or Jon. But Sam did, albeit out of anger because Dany didn’t just have his dad blazed to ashes but also his brother Dickon (who the fuck named that kid?) and now that Sam has asked, I have to admit I think Jon – even though, as Seth would say, he hasn’t won shit – would be a better leader. IF he wasn’t in love with Dany. BUT HE IS IN FUCKING LOVE WITH DANY (literally) and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned so, way too early prediction, THE THRONE WILL BELONG TO DANY and Jon Aegon Snow Targaryen’s unborn child. SEE YA, CERSEI.
  5. But while we’re talking about Cersei, HOMEGIRL IS GONE. Her sexing it up with Euron was officially my last straw. Pardon me while I barf in my mouth. SHE IS NOT OKAY. Piglet/Winnie the Pooh/Qyborn should help a her out and save her from herself. Is she pregnant? Does it even matter? Sweet Jesus, can we just send the army of the dead to King’s Landing – IS THERE A HOTLINE I CAN CALL? But also, can you imagine Cersei as part of the Night King’s army? Actually, you’re right, she’d probably be exactly the same.