Well, shit, you guys. I hope everyone survived last night / has plans to survive the next decade because that’s basically how long it will be until the final season. Right now there are rumors the next season might not air until 2019 and, since I compare everything to how old my children are/will be, my kids could be three and five years old. FIVE. Five, like, going into kindergarten, five-self-sufficient-years old. I don’t want to wish the next couple years away but WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO AFTER THAT EPISODE LAST NIGHT? I mean, I’m hardly sure how I’m even supposed to sum up last night but I’m not a quitter, so here we go…
- Let’s start with the HAPPIEST moment of the episode…
Of course you know who I’m waving goodbye to so gleefully. BYE, LITTLEFINGER, BYEEEEE. Dude. Sansa. SANSA STARK finally showed up! I mentioned a couple episodes ago that I just couldn’t understand how Littlefinger could possibly be smart enough to play Arya (FUCKING QUEEN) and last night, just before Sansa showed her true colors I think the exact question I asked Seth was, “Is it possible that Sansa is actually dumber than a box of rocks???” Turns out, no, she’s not. THANK FUCKING GOD. It was about time she did something that lived up to her Stark name. I literally laughed out loud when she dropped the “Lord Baylish?” HAHAHAHA. Nothing about last night was better than that, though one thing did come close.
- Brienne and the Hound, reunited and it feels so good. Their exchange was about as heartwarming as GoT gets and it was even sweeter because they were bonding over my girl crush + all my future pets’ namesake, Arya. The Hound even smiled, like a real smile, you guys. I honestly am getting all warm and fuzzy thinking about it, just think what it’s going to be like when they watch Arya fuck up the army of the dead. OH MY GOD. I CAN’T EVEN WAIT.
- All right, let’s just get it out of the way. Jon Snow has never been hotter than he is this season – first of all, he’s a fucking legend; second of all, he’s a man of his word with a heart of gold; third of all, he knows what he’s fighting for and he’s not going to stop until all is right in the world – and so of course him and Dany finally had their incestual round of intercourse. Last week I predicted she’d be pregs with his child before the end of all of this and now I’ve never been more sure. I mean, obviously when Jon cornered her in that crevice of the dragon arena and basically offered to prove that nurse witch wrong about her not being able to have kids it meant I AM GOING TO IMPREGNATE YOU AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE BEAUTIFUL DRAGON BABIES.
- You’re right, why am I calling him Jon Snow?! His GD name is Aegon Targaryen and he’s never been a bastard. Initially, I was confused about the name because I feel like there have been 37 Aegon Targaryens at this point and for a minute I was like, wait is Jon like the weird long lost son that was supposedly killed?! But then I realized the name was just legendary, apparently. I have so many emotions about this not a bastard thing though. For one, I feel bad for Jon because Catelyn Stark was always such a dick to him – granted, she was a woman scorned, but alas not really scorned at all! She was basically married to the best man to have ever been created until Aegon Jon Snow Targaryen was born and she had no idea! Well, I mean, of course she had an idea because she stayed with him but still she thought he cheated on her all of those years and she never got to know the truth! Fuck you, Littlefinger and good riddance.
- Cersei has officially lost her mind and nothing would be more satisfying than watching someone just do away with her, namely Jamie – but he’s off to hopefully keep his word and to soon show up in Winterfell. So, I guess I can only hope Cersei gets trampled by a gold elephant or something from the circus of Essos that Euron is supposedly on his way to retrieve. Yes, this show has made me a terrible person but I’ll admit, I don’t think she’s pregnant. And if she is, I don’t think the baby is human – YEAH. I SAID IT.
- Speaking of Euron, last night for one split second I thought there might be hope for him yet (in terms of likability) BUT of course there’s not because he’s gross and evil and actually dumber than a box of rocks.
- Talking about a box of rocks, Theon really tried to make a comeback last night and while I appreciated it, am I the only one that thinks it’s too little too late? I mean, let’s not forget, it was a mere few episodes ago when he LITERALLY jumped ship while his uncle held a knife to his sister’s neck. Obviously, more power to him but…I really couldn’t care less at this point about anything he does. I’m sure he’s alive for a reason though, I just wish I knew what it was.
- Welp, our worst fears came true last night when the army of the dead showed up at Eastwatch with a fucking dragon that breathed some sort of ice concoction powerful enough to blow up the entire wall. Tormund was there and I’m hoping (well, assuming) he’s still alive but who knows for how long and when Aegon Jon will find out. WHO KNOWS ANYTHING!?
- Well, I mean who knows anything that isn’t Bran? BUT why didn’t Bran know Aegon Jon was a Targaryen? If he knows everything and that’s why he’s so strange, why did Sam have to tell him the facts? This raven business is getting so confusing! And can he see the future or no? BRAN, TELL ME EVERYTHING!
- Sam is back and I’m dying to know what his purpose will be! And will he ever find out he’s the king of that place he’s from? And will Tyrion be the one to tell him? Speaking of Tyrion, do you think he’s pissed that Aegon Jon and Dany effed? Of course he is – LOVE RUINS EVERYTHING!
WELP, HERE’S TO OUR COUNTDOWN TO 2019! May it pass swiftly and our health remain steady.