There are two episodes left in this season of Game of Thrones and like all basic bitches, I can’t even. Last night my kids interrupted the episode by running out of their beds and into the living room four different times, with four equally lame excuses – all within the first 20 minutes – so I’m feeling a little foggy on the first quarter. And thanks to the wanna-be street car racers that rev their engines up and down the city streets around our home on Sundays and my love of fresh air and open windows (eventually they won out), I would actually say I probably missed the details of the entire first half of the episode. BUT never fear, I still have plenty of opinions for this week’s installment of Have you heard about the Game of Thrones?

Let’s get to it.

  1. I have to start with this because it’s all I can think about since he murmered his ONE line he had last night. IS QYBURN THE VOICE OF WINNIE THE POOH?!?! Or maybe it’s Piglet. But it’s definitely one of them. There’s always been something about Qyburn that drove me nuts and now I know what it is, HE BELONGS IN THE FUCKING HUNDRED ACRE WOOD.
  2. Now to real business, THANK GOD Jon left so that we won’t have to see him and Dany consummate their secret love in a cave. But also, Jorah returned and now there’s a weird love triangle and just… THANK GOD THEY LEFT.
  3. Cersei is not pregnant. I’m calling it. I don’t trust a word that woman says – or, in this case, a gesture she makes. Also, just ew. Jaime, seriously, come on, man. You can do better.
  4. While we’re on the Lanisters, I’m EXTREMELY curious as to how Bronn and Tyrion got in touch and even more, that’s it?! That’s all we get of their reunion? Such a let down!
  5. With Sam’s family (well dad and brother) dead, does that make him the king of something (specifically a place or castle or kingdom or whatever they’re called)???? Because if it does, I AM ALL HERE FOR THAT.
  6. Speaking of Sam and Gilly – JESUS CHRIST, IS JON THE RIGHTFUL KING TO THE IRON THRONE!????!??!?!?! If so, THANK GOD, I love Dany (sort of) but I cannot watch her tell anymore people to bend the fucking knee. Find another way to say it, D – maybe you could take a page out of the book of Bey and try bow down, bitches, I have dragons.
  7.  And speaking of things I can’t stand. Will someone please tell me how in the world Littlefinger is smart enough to outsmart Arya? Like, I can’t even. What the fuck? Arya is supposed to be nobody, the smartest and trickiest of them all. HOW IS SHE GETTING PLAYED?! And now she’s going to waste her time trying to get revenge on Sansa who will undoubtedly fuck everything up eventually.
  8. This week we were reunited with two of my favorite men, the Hound and Tormund. Well, and as mentioned earlier, Jorah. And SURPRISINGLY we were also reunited with Gendry. And in what is probably my favorite thing about last night, they all reunited with other favorites of mine including Jon Snow and Davos. AND THEY ARE ON THEIR WAY TO FIND THE ARMY OF THE DEAD. You guys. Winter. Is. Finally. Here. 
  9. Can we talk about the plan to capture a white walker? CAPTURE A WHITE WALKER. I don’t know, I mean I’m not Jon Snow but I think that’s a terrible idea but way too early prediction – they capture Hodor.
  10. Lastly, Bran sent a Raven to Jon and didn’t tell Jon he’s a Targaryen. I get it, there are some things you should say in person but honestly Jon could use a dragon on his journey to capture a white walker right about now and, more importantly, I am running out of patience. At this rate he won’t find out until next season in 2034. I can’t even. God help us.

Predictions for the next episode: Arya kills someone (please let it be Littlefinger), Sam becomes King of wherever he’s from and we FINALLY find out why the dude with eye patch keeps coming back to life.