Today has already been one of those days, and it’s hardly even begun. I’ve been up for, like, an entire day already. And I realize for some people waking up at 3:45am might be typical but the only times I’ve ever been up at 4am are child related, travel related or party related. I think we all know which one was responsible for my early bird status today. (Parenthood, the gift that keeps on giving.) And can we all just agree that four in the morning is the worst time to be woken up. It’s too early to be awake but it’s also almost too late to go back to sleep. Almost. Usually, if I don’t fall back to sleep within twenty minutes, I start to worry I’ll sleep through my alarm and then I end up worrying about it so much that it turns into an internal debate between whether or not I should just get up. Then, inevitably I fall asleep 30 minutes before my alarm is set to go off and feel like dog poop for the rest of the day.

Luck for me, this morning I didn’t really have an option. Matty came into our bed at 3:45 and then spent at least 45 minutes rolling around, trying to get comfortable and whimpering about his ear hurting. At one point, he complained that he wanted to drive and not walk – because only Marty would have a dream about such things. Eventually, after giving him Motrin, he snuggled up with my left arm and passed out. I immediately made the executive decision I was not going back to sleep and instead, with my one free arm, I decided to see what was going on in the world AKA cruise through my social media to see what I could find, errr, learn.

And because I’m a giver, here is what I learned at 4am this morning:

  1. 4am me belongs in Georgia. Apparently. One of the first articles that seemed interesting enough to click on was titled America’s Mood: An Interactive Guide to the United States of Attitude. I honestly couldn’t tell you what the article said because once I found the image of the map and took the quiz, I decided I was done reading because there is no actual way I belong in Georgia. I mean, I’d obviously be a fabulous southern belle – minus the potty mouth and my lack of formal etiquette and pretty much all baking and cooking abilities. Georgia falls into the “friendly and conventional” category and I’m friendly but I am not conventional BUT maybe I’m a whole different person at 4am. If I am, it doesn’t look like it’s for the better.
  2. I learned the number one predictor of success, according to science, is the difference between an open network and a closed network. This isn’t rocket science and I’m not sure why I always feel compelled to read this shit – because it is literally always predictable, not informational and so stupid – but basically, if you have an open network and you’re open to other ideas and different people, you will learn more shit than those who are not which will increase your creativity and help you generate better ideas and be more successful. LIFE CHANGING, I KNOW.
  3. I’m not here for anyone’s BS clickbait headlines and captions, but you know what I am here for EVERY SINGLE TIME? Any article aiming to tell me why mosquitoes bite me more than every other MFer in the country, so of course this morning I read about another theory. This theory basically told me mosquitos like me more because I’m a tatty who enjoys alcoholic beverages and occasionally works out. This theory is obviously WRONG because that describes literally 90% of americans. At this point, I may as well still believe it’s because I’m sweeter than everyone else. Fuck.
  4. This little tidbit is seasonally appropriate. Originally I chose to read this article because I misunderstood its headline, How to Avoid a Rotten Jack-o-Lantern. How could I misunderstand that? I don’t really know but I’m going to remind you it was 4am and I was only working with one arm. Initially, I clicked on it because we carved pumpkins last night and when I cut open Matty’s pumpkin it was full of a foul-smelling pumpkin soup and I had never seen anything like it. Upon further examination, it was obviously rotting and there was a large wet soft spot on the bottom of the pumpkin that I hadn’t noticed when we picked it out. So, I think I was thinking when I clicked to read the article that it would tell me how to avoid coming home with a rotten pumpkin. Of course now I realize how fucking stupid it would be if someone actually wrote an article like that because it’s simple, don’t buy a pumpkin with a large rotting wet spot on the bottom. BUT, anyway, to prolong the life of your jack-o-lantern, spray it with bleach…or maybe bleach water. If you haven’t carved it yet, soak it in bleach water for ten minutes and let it completely dry before carving.
  5. Sometimes I do fall for ridiculous click bait and this, 20 Etiquette Rules You’ve Totally Broken, was one of them. I think I was interested in my southern belle capabilities, too, after getting Georgia, so I swallowed my pride and clicked. Here is what I learned, etiquette is for people who have too much time on their hands. Did you know you’re only supposed to wear your purse on your left shoulder so that your right hand is free to greet people? Did you also know you aren’t supposed to congratulate the bride, only the groom, because apparently it insinuates she wouldn’t have gotten any other suitors? AND did you know you’re not supposed to drink when you’re being toasted? You’re supposed to follow the toast to you with a thank you toast to your peers and THEN you can drink? Or at least I think.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, YOU GUYS. And it’s never too early to learn. Or, then again, maybe it is.

Me, today.