Today, my baby buddy is officially 11 months. ELEVEN FREAKING MONTHS, YOU GUYS. And so again I ask, HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? WHERE DID THE TIME GO? WHAT IS TIME?!

Honestly, I didn’t come here to write today. I came here to figure out how to clean up my MySQL databases because apparently they’re REAL full, but since that turned out to be like an exercise in reading Chinese I decided to take a trip down Abbott and June’s not-so-long memory lane. It didn’t dawn on me until I was reading this post written back in February, as my maternity leave ended, that in exactly one month my baby will be one. One whole year old. Seriously though, how did that happen?

As I read my confessions as a brand new mom of two, I chuckled and then, like clockwork, the tears filled my eyes. I feel like I’ve aged four years in the past nine months but more so, I feel like I’ve known Abbott a lifetime.

It’s funny how things change and so, in honor of Bot’s last month of true babydom, I give you my slightly new confessions of a slightly older mama of two.

Confession #1. I know exactly what I did before I had kids and I miss it (a little) but I love being a mom the most. God willing, I will never forget what I did before I had kids. I had the time of my life. I was reckless and wild and ambitious. I drank too much, I dreamed too much, I laughed a lot, I loved a lot and I lived on a whim. The world was my oyster. Of course I miss it from time to time, it took two kids to put me in my “mom place” – I get actual hangovers now (WTF, there’s always a 50/50 chance one drink will put me to sleep and depending on the day an afternoon at the zoo sounds as equally as therapeutic and fun as a kid-free night out with the girls. 9 months ago when I was holed up in the house with a tiny human blob, wasn’t getting any sleep or having any success breastfeeding and struggling to balance our newest addition, it felt like things would never even out. It felt like I’d never balance anything but I did – we did. Oh, and that trip to Hawai’i – we leave Friday and now I’m having separation anxiety. 

How times change, huh?

Confession #2. I’m STILL not a baby person or a stay-at-home-mom person. This is still true. My skin crawls at the idea of going through another infant baby phase. I require a lot of “me time” in order to be a whole, present person – you don’t get that with a baby. You just don’t. Some people thrive on that. I do not. No amount of adorable baby cuteness or wanting for the past will change that fact that, for me, maternity leave was uncomfortable, challenging, exhausting and 80% of the time unenjoyable. I’m a firm believer that I could have 17 children and my 17th maternity leave would still be a complete mind fuck and I would still be the most unsuccessful breastfeeder of ALL FUCKING TIME.

And now I’m sweating…

Confession #3. I love both of my kids the exact same heartbreaking amount. Initially after Abbott was born, I wondered if I’d ever love him as much as I love Matty. Seth just recently got the nerve to admit that for a long time he worried about my connection with the Bot and I won’t lie, it took a while. Anybody who’s had one kid will argue to the moon and back that baby’s have a personality and maybe even that I’m a terrible person for say this but in my opinion second baby’s don’t have the same enegmatic draw. The novelty and magic is there but in a different way. We were happy he was healthy and finally with us but we were exhausted and we knew what was ahead – a whole lot more exhaustion. We slept in the hospital with Abbott. With Matty, I struggled to take him to the nursery let alone sleep peacefully. It took months for my mom obsession to settle in but it did. I can honestly say I don’t have a favorite. Matty is a rough and rowdy little boy but he can also be my clingy, cuddly, timid little buddy. Abbott is 100% a second child – he has the sweetest heart but less than an ounce of fear in his whole body; he couldn’t give a fuck less about what you’re doing…

Unless he’s hungry.