Momming

Today is one of those days. One of those milestone days.

The ones that make you stop and appreciate the little bits of baby still left on your preschooler’s face, the fine babyish creases in their small (but suddenly big) hands, the still wonderfully innocent smell of sunscreen and sweat that emanates from their still easy-enough-to-carry little bodies.

One of those days that keeps pulling my mind backward, leaving me in awe of the present. The unbelievable length of his limbs, the rate and volume at which words enthusiastically fly out of his mouth. His “language”, once full of lazy R’s and mispronunciations is set apart by a subtle lisp now. He speaks full sentences. Conveys full thoughts. He shows insecurities. Uses filler words like his mom (because, like, it happens) and makes smart ass jokes like his dad. He wears little boy shoes and sounds out words in the backseat of the car on his way to and from school.

He’s nowhere near adulthood but some days — like today — it sure feels imminent.

This afternoon, he’ll graduate from preschool.

He’s undeniably and markedly closer to adulthood than he’s ever been. But, even on days like today, when the passing of time is looming particularly close, it’s not adulthood itself that’s unsettling, it’s the massive amount of day-to-day moments that will get us there. It’s the heightened awareness that so many of those moments will “fall between the cracks”. It’s the glum realization that every moment – obsolete or major and everything in between – has the potential to be a moment I’ll ache to experience for just 30 seconds more as soon as next year. It’s fundamentally understanding of the value and power of an ordinary moment.

Days like today, I have to remind myself he still loves hugs. He still asks for kisses. Every now and then, I still get to wake up to his head claiming a small spot on my pillow. He still fits on my lap. He still runs alongside his imagination and letting it get away from him from often. He still sees his elders as heros. He still believes in magic. And he snuggles like it‘ll save the world. And maybe it will, it’s definitely saved more days than I can count.

The last few weeks have really tried my strength as a parent. We found out Bot needed glasses so he doesn’t go blind in one of his eyes. Glasses are nothing if not ordinary but it sure didn’t feel like it that day. Matty went to kindergarten round up days later where I was stopped at the door and kindly turned away. “We’ll see you at 11:30, Mom!”

I watched as my 4-year old hesitatingly walked away with people I’d never met, into a building I’d never explored. I could have asked a million questions, I could have even insisted to go along but instead I walked back to the car and cried alone, over a half-eaten bag of Cheetos. Parenthood is nothing if not glamorous.

What was once just my journey into motherhood has become two intertwined journeys, his and mine. Up until now, independent has been an adjective I’ve used to describe my kids in times of boldness but never in a literal manner. Today, I use the word independent to describe him, independent of me, with a heavy, grateful and hopeful heart. This milestone, as simple and unceremonial as it might be, is the very beginning of his life without me. And it’s days like today that make me stop and appreciate the little bits of baby still left on his boyish face, the fine babyish creases in his small (but suddenly big) hands, the still wonderfully innocent smell of sunscreen and sweat he carries home from preschool, the dirt and paint he wears proudly on his clothes and under his nails, the enthusiastic stories he can’t wait to share at the end of each day and the mornings I get to wake up to his sweet morning breath and his boyish feet tucked under my body for warmth.

Someday I know my heart will ache thinking back on today and I’ll yearn to turn back the clock and experience just 30 more seconds of everything. Because it’s just one of those days.

One of those milestone days.

HOLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY SHIT. Let me get my emotions in check here. FUCK. HOLY SHIT. JEEEE-SUS. Phew. Deep breaths. Fuuuuuuck. You guys. FUUUUUUCK. Ok. God. Christ, sorry about dumping all of that on ya. I mean, I know you have to feel the same. Fuck. I am covered in sweat and surrounded by snotty, tear-y tissues. Okay. […]

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I NEED HELP, GUYS. (I think….) Someone took my kids in the middle of the night and replaced them with angelic figures identical to my kids – same voices, same cowlicks (which, by the way, what a weird fucking word), same smells and morning breath –  but they’re different because they’re ANGELS. Early this morning, […]

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AHHH, Chatty Corner! Both of the boys are talking non-stop now which is hilarious but there’s so much to jot down that I miss 80% of it. Matty’s thoughts are becoming more complex while Abbott is regularly saying, “Awe, not fair!” whenever he doesn’t like something. Whether it has anything to do with being fair […]

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This morning as we carpooled to work a little earlier than usual, the bags under my eyes practically resting on my lap and my newly colored roots looking a bit greasy, I wondered if I’d ever sleep again. I sat there in a trance while the kids pointed out the everyday sights. Seth glanced in […]

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I tend to ask myself, “Is this just my fucking life now?” I’ve been asking myself that a lot lately followed up with, “Is this just what four-year olds are like??” Four has been a weird ride – from beginning to get in trouble at school for making bad choices, to becoming a know it […]

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Last week as we tucked the boys into bed, I asked Matty what he wanted for Christmas. He replied without hesitation. “I’m going to ask Santa for a Optimus Prime and a fingerling.” First of all you guys, what the fuck is a fingerling, right? I asked. “A fingerling is, uh, like, a animal that […]

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You guys, I have really big news this morning. I don’t know if you’ll believe it. I don’t even know if I believe it. But I sent Abbott to school today in Fruit of the Loom underwear. That’s right ladies and gentleman, real underwear. The kind that leaks when you pee in it and sags […]

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I have a comondrum (that’s obviously what a conundrum on a Monday is called). Here is the scenario: You and your partner get invited to a party. It sounds like fun and you decide you’re going to try to get a sitter for your two (or more) little ones. You get a sitter. The day […]

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