Some people think being single sucks – especially during the holidays. I’m obviously not single anymore, but I loved being single. Like, really LOVED it. I mean, I never even really wanted a relationship but you know what? Sometimes you get swooped off your feet, knocked up shortly after* and three years later you end up with a perfect-for-you husband without ever really knowing what happened. I was just trying to drink some whiskey and have a good time, you know what I mean? Life is weird.
Anyways, back to being single. This morning I had a single-girl moment that brought back all the fond memories and warm fuzzy feelings of the single-girl life. When I started getting ready this morning, while I showered, I thought to myself, “I should wear something I haven’t worn 700 times in the last three months. Yes! Like, something I haven’t worn in MONTHS!”. What can I say, I dream big on Wednesdays?
So when I went to pick out my outfit I had two goals: 1. Find something I haven’t worn in months. 2. Don’t wear jeans. Seemed easy enough. As I began to rummage through the heaps of clean clothes in our room, I was optimistic. I mean, how could I not find something to wear that I hadn’t worn in months? I’ve been mixing and matching the same the same seven pieces of clothing for the last six months. But, alas, I scoured through each heap without even the slightest idea of what I was going to wear, so I moved on to the closet. I went through pretty much the whole closet before deciding to just bite the bullet and put on the dress that had been staring me in the face the entire time. It was a short sleeve, white linen baby doll dress with thin blue stripes across the top and down the bottom.
It sounds great, I know but there was one thing; this dress is one of those outfits that you should really ONLY try on if you’re feeling irrationally good about yourself – like, SUPER good – because there’s a really high chance you will fucking hate it when you put it on AND you will look so fat it’s mind-boggling, even to yourself. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Crazy thing is, it’s not that I was even feeling that great about myself this morning, I was just really set on wearing something “new”. I’m also always prepared to feel fat as fuck so that helped.
I took the dress into the bathroom and put it on. I must have been really mentally prepared to look like the giant-ass marshmallow from Ghostbusters because I stood up on Matty’s little stepping stool so I could see it all in the mirror and wasn’t completely horrified. And for whatever (probably depressing) reason, this in itself felt like an accomplishment so I decided to zip up the back zipper on the dress as far as I comfortably could. After, I stared at the dress in the mirror – STILL NOT COMPLETELY HORRENDOUS! I turned and took in every angle but as I looked at my side profile in the dress I hyper focused on the looseness of the top. I was going to have to zip it all the way up to get a good idea of how it looked. And zipping the dress ALL the way was going to require Gumby arm flexibility (which I don’t have) and cause an uncomfortable amount of sweating (which no one enjoys).
Begin my single most single-girl moment of 2016…
First of all, linen is not stretchy – it is actually the opposite of stretchy. The sleeves were already snug and restricting arm movement, so I thought my best course of action would be to push the zipper with one finger as far as I could. I bent my right arm behind my back, located the thin zipper with my pointer finger, hedged my nail underneath and bent my body to sort of just push my hand – and thus my finger/zipper – up as far as it could go. Then I gave it one last quick shove for good measure. Feeling like I maybe had an inch left, I turned to look in the mirror. I had at lease four inches to go. Four. Fucking. Inches.
I wanted to give up – I could feel my hair sticking to my forehead (never a good sign) and I wasn’t all that confident that I could actually get this thing zipped all the way. And, coincidentally, it suddenly it looked hideous. But, just my single-girl luck – I couldn’t even reach the fucking zipper to get it unzipped. I had no choice. I was wearing this fucking dress today.
And so I am. I’m wearing a white linen babydoll dress, in the middle of winter, with a navy cardigan and black tights. I look like an ethnic, oversized version of Jess on the New Girl. And not in a great way. But you know what? I had two goals today. And I met those goals with determination and enthusiasm. You know why? Because that’s what any good woman would do.
TAKE THAT, WORLD!
In a nutshell, this story sums up my life as a single woman perfectly. And now you all know why everyone is so happy I found Seth – or rather anyone who can’t resist the magic that my life is.
Shout out to all the single girls conquering their days (and their closets) with determination and enthusiasm! HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU, YOU SELF-DEPRECATING DARLINGS OF THE WORLD! May all of your zippers zip easily and all of the tough-to-open jars in your fridge think twice before giving you any trouble. 😘