I almost saw a child die in a corn pit, brought home a child with two black lungs and spent a thousand dollars on Friday night. Where, you ask? Oh, you know where. 

The pumpkin patch.

Pumpkin Patch
/ˈpəm(p)kən paCH/
noun: pumpkin patch; plural noun: pumpkin patches

  1. A farm with broken tractors dressed up as play equipment, barns temporarily full of caramel apples and rice krispie treats, vacant sheds filled with extra walls covered in neon paint and lit up by black lights, more sheds full of scary dolls and funhouse mirrors and small wooden shacks designated for frying funnel cakes and slinging turkey legs.
  2. Old farmland whore’d out to the city folk for 1.5 months out of the year so they can take adorable pictures of their kids in a field of pumpkins or on a hayrack ride or eating a turkey leg (see also: exhibit 1).
  3. Location where kids take their parents to torture them during the fall months. 
  4. Safe and popular spot for parents to drop off their tweens and teenagers for few hours/whole day/entire evening so they can run wild, follow zero rules and spend a $100 on one slushie, one funnel cake and one pretzel with cheese.
  5. The only place where you can find 300 rentable fire pits or, if you’re a small child, contract black lung on any busy day/night when all fire pits are rented out and the air is barely breathable and definitely not clean.
  6. 1,209,230 acres of land, two of which are actually used to grow pumpkins that are then sold for $17.00 a lb. 
  7. A fall phenomenon in which large hoards of people drive 20+ minutes from their home to pay Disney-esque entrance fees to get into a plot of farmland filled with repurposed farm trash and otherwise vacant farm buildings (see also: #1).
  8. A place you swear you’ll never go again. But you’ll definitely go again because the annual fall fever is strong and at your core you’re as basic as they come and your optimism will make you believe this time will be different* (see also: exhibit 2).

Two kids on a hayrack rideExhibit 1

Matty and Abbott at the Pumpkin Patch

Exhibit 2

*This time will not be different.