It’s Halloween weekend!

We’ve spent most of our nights this week after the boys have gone to bed finishing our costumes but there are still a few finishing pieces I still have to put together. We’re doing a family costume and I’d tell you what it is but that would just spoil the surprise. We’re heading out and about tomorrow evening, weather permitting, but it’s just now dawning on me that Halloween isn’t actually until Tuesday! The boys’ Halloween parties are on Monday and they are doing their annual trunk-or-treat that day as well. We’ve never been to a trunk-or-treat but I was thinking we could make this year our first.

But, ummmm. Do you guys know what a trunk-or-treat is? Like, do you know what it entails? Because I just googled “do I have to open my trunk for a trunk or treat” and I don’t know who set the standards for these deceptively simple sounding events but what the fuck? First of all, let’s get serious, if your trunk isn’t full of spare seasonal children’s apparel, strollers, random outdoor toys, blankets and a worn box of Goodwill donations you’ve been meaning to drop off for the past year, are you even really living? I mean, that’s the kind of car people we are – we are L I V I N G.

We’re busy, we’re on the go. We have two kids, both of whom are technically carryable – and they know it. We don’t have 18 arms or the ability to carry 78 lbs of shit in and out of the house every day, but more so – who has that kind of time? Call me lazy, I don’t care. You know just as well as I know that kids require a lot of shit. And on their behalf, I have sacrificed my ability to transport anything in my trunk so we can pull out their double stroller at any moment, so they have jackets or sweatshirts or at least one of my cardigans if they’re cold, so that we can clean up any spill, so they can have extra shoes just in case, so they have something to preoccupy then and so we have can play an impromptu game of tee ball if that’s how we feel.

So, yeah, my trunk isn’t just a mess – it’s a fucking project. And the thought of cleaning it out completely just so I can decorate it and then stand in front of it and hand out some candy, or put candy in it so others can marvel at my interior design skills (I’m obviously till unclear on how it works) when all the kids care about is the candy and the fun is ASININE. Why would I do that?! I do not get it.

I mean, I get it. Obviously. It’s a safe way to trick or treat without worrying about all of the assholes out there putting glass and needles and poison into our kids’ candy and, really, they’re the ones at fault. BUT I think we all know some overachieving mom when nuts with decorations – because she’s great and amazing and prides herself on a clean car and thought to herself “oh, my kids will just love this so much” – one fucking time, and then the rest of us who are more like me felt compelled to do the same.

I wish we would all just STOP feeling compelled to be more like other moms and dads. I obviously felt compelled to be “better mom” as soon as I googled trunk or treats and saw the hundreds of trunks on Halloween steroids, but I also recognize how dumb it is to feel that way. Parenting is wild ride and everyone has different priorities. For me, my trunk is not one or them and I’ve decided spending hours preparing for a trunk-or-treat isn’t either. And I’m taking a real stand for once. I’m going to put up a poster on the bumper of my car and I’m going to leave buckets of candy on the ground and not a single parent is going to give me the side eye – unless it’s out of envy.

Clean my trunk. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Dream big, Halloween Committee.